Why idealizing your partner can break the relationship and what the psychiatrist advises

“Spring, the blood alters” is one of the most repeated phrases during this season. And although the sayings are not always completely true, it is true that During spring, a series of changes occur (greater ambient light) that encourage animals, and also humans, to interact more intensely..

But, did you know that love is felt and experienced differently depending on the person? The Dr. Ana Isabel Sanz She is a psychiatrist and psychotherapist, director of the Ipsias Psychiatric Institute, she specializes in affective disorders and anxiety, she helps us explain what is behind love and relationships between people.

What does love look like from psychology?

Love is a feeling that is made up of more emotions within it. It’s like a big headline that then has many epigraphs. Affection, passion, tenderness, peace…

What are the phases of falling in love, from psychology?

Let’s start by demystifying that falling in love “is irrational madness” and that later we recover our sanity. Maybe during adolescence it may be like that, but not when we are adults.

Falling in love is a feeling of internal illusion, of lightness when walking, it is the desire to see the other (but we know that it cannot be maintained all the time). Furthermore, in a romantic relationship, there does not have to be falling in love at first for an important bond to occur.

Regarding what we could call “phases”: it is true that there is an evolution from when we initially feel attracted to someone until the consolidation of a relationship. stable relationship.

This progression has been studied by different authors, who identify at least five relatively well-differentiated phases:

1. Fall in love.

2. Establishment of a first commitment.

3. Crisis of initial idealization.

4. Stabilization of the loving feeling.

5. Deep consolidation of the relationship.

As for the initial stage of falling in love (which is where we find the most passion and is sometimes the only one we take into account and in which we get stuck, either to idealize it as a goal or to decide not to move forward) different moments have also been individualized. whose knowledge may be of interest as long as we do not consider them as a fixed script, since this is not the case in all couples.

Falling in love begins with a period dominated by physical and sexual attraction, goes through a stage of hypervaluing the other and advances to a moment in which we begin to consider the possibility of incorporating that person into our lives.

And it usually concludes with a “touch of reality” in which the captivating intensity of the attraction and the monolithically positive vision of the other decreases.

This point can be the end of a story or transform and move towards a deeper and more realistic exchange, which is when falling in love can really begin to be considered love and the basis of an authentic relationship with the possibility of consolidating despite ups, downs and crises.

Is it more than just chemistry?

It’s chemistry, it’s physics and it’s also respect and many more things at the same time. But chemistry is essential. Especially in the first moments, when attraction and passion are the dominant elements, the brain and the body as a whole are a whirlwind of cascades of neurotransmitters and hormones that mark the intensity and attractiveness of these moments.

Possibly the predominant substance is dopamine, responsible for the sensations of pleasure and euphoria. Adrenaline causes us the characteristic responses of heart acceleration, flushing, sweating, appetite and sleep disturbances.

Phenylethylamine, familiar to amphetamines, adds intensity to all experiences, charging us with optimism and energy..

In a second phase, the oxytocinreleased especially (but also by our expectations and illusions) after physical contact, makes us feel deeply united to the other person.

When its levels drop, chemistry can play practical jokes on us, since the drop in sympathetic oxytocin and the rise in cortisol can contribute to storms of jealousy.

Finally, the famous serotonin also participates in this chemical miracle. Their presence contributes to the feeling of happiness that overwhelms us while falling in love lasts.

One drawback is that its effects become less over time and we can fall into the trap of compulsively seeking to maintain them, either by asking for more and more proof of love, or by compulsively multiplying the number of relationships.

Well, this chemical tsunami, attractive and motivating, is not endless. It decreases and sometimes with it we end our approach to the other person. When interest goes beyond the brilliance of these fireworks, chemical seduction loses prominence in favor of other elements that interest us in the couple.

How to express feelings of love?

If I am thinking that I have to feel a certain way, I am living the relationship from the mind, from my beliefs, and so it is difficult to know if I love someone or not.

On how to express feelings of love in a healthy way: The advantage of love is that it supports multiple channels. The risk is that we confine ourselves to purely physical-erotic or material manifestations.

Beyond the sexual relationship or gifts, love is open listening, interest in and respect for the intimacy of another, physical closeness, even in the form of play, as a manifestation that we need to receive and give affection and sensual and purely human proximity.

Sometimes it is also about controlling our nerves and trusting, leaving enough space for the couple’s privacy, tolerating silences and avoiding the tendency to possess.

Another area, without a doubt, is to reinforce the confidence of the bond in itself, apart from the love that exists between the two. To love is to be without holding, without trusting the strength of the feeling to the dependence or insecurity of the other.

Is it healthy to need help managing a relationship?

It is always healthy to ask for help if we need it. Let’s remember that socially there is very bad information about what a relationship is and what it is not.

Pre-established beliefs about what a healthy couple “should be” are sometimes the worst enemy of sincere communication and the sense of well-being of two who share intimate affection.

It is not uncommon that in couples counseling, the main task is to open windows to the various forms that the love of two people can take and help discover the strengths of a bond that was being questioned based on the erroneous expectations that arose from what marked by the media, acquaintances, education received, personal insecurities…

A relationship is a shared project, with various components (sexual, emotional, even ethical…) whose weight varies depending on the people and the periods.

He respect, the ability to share and communicatenegotiating changes with sincerity, will be the fundamental elements for such a relationship to remain a healthy couple or in the process of crisis or even breakup.

Is there only one way to express love? What is romantic love and what is not?

Each person expresses love in their own way, it is important to know our way and the way of our partner. In fact, there are five types of love language: words, physical contact, details, quality time and acts of service.

Falling in love and love, what are the differences?

Falling in love is something that comes from outside and is rather temporary. He love It comes from within oneself, and leads us to see the other, to see both their positive and negative qualities, and to want to be with that person and get to know them.

Is it good to idealize a couple?

This is a very serious error. Idealization is based on the concept that the person who idealizes is not seeing the reality of the couple. He is leaving out important information. It’s all a mental game. When the couple falls off the pedestal, problems begin.