by YesLet’s say a company wants to go public. The glossy prospectus ensures that the public limited company issuing the shares is a very attractive company and therefore an ideal long-term investment. But they set a condition: you can’t just buy a few shares, you have to invest everything your heritage. Analysts, when studying the portfolio, warn that it is not a safe investment, that it does not seem likely that the stock will perform well. They even determine that the probability that you will end up selling the securities very angry is 40 percent. Who under those circumstances, and in his right mind, would put all his eggs in that one basket? An investment fund? An algorithm? Definitely, no one. But you probably do…
Imagine that the action broadcast is a love story. The probability that it is a bad investment is between 90 percent (if you and your partner only live together) and 40 percent (if you are married). In this type of high-risk investments, before buying you have to discuss a lot with the bank and stock market advisors. In the Civil Registry, on the other hand, no one talks to you about the risk of divorce and its subsequent costs, only about opportunities, about the happiness of a satisfactory relationship. And precisely that, happiness as a couple, is what we are all looking for…
American anthropologists William R. Jankowiak and Edward F. Fischer analyzed 166 world cultures and discovered that the concept of love exists in no less than 147 of them. And not only that: having a stable relationship was one of the most important goals in life for 80 or even 99 percent of those surveyed.
This desire for life as a couple goes poorly with divorce rates, which continue to increase. In fact, today the family court separates more couples than death. Have so many breakups caused the number of marriages to decrease? No, on the contrary, the number of ‘I do’s’ increases because there are more second and third weddings, which curiously have an even greater risk of failure than the first.
That life as a couple is one of our vital goals seems to indicate that these relationships satisfy our need for security, closeness and connection more intensely than friendship or membership in a sports club. The reason for this is explained by evolutionary biologists: in a stable loving relationship, the man could be sure that he was raising his own children and not someone else’s; and the woman could count on it to provide the extra 100,000 calories that she needed during the long period of breastfeeding.
Fortunately, all this is no longer a problem in many parts of the world, but, on the other hand, there is research with less than encouraging results: people deeply in love show high levels of dopamine and serotonin, known as ‘the molecules of happiness’, that cause excitement, pleasure and impulsivity. But, after this honeymoon, happiness goes downhill. Especially during the first four years, then a certain stability is achieved. And after eight years a phase of erosion returns.
Let’s return to the example of the Stock Market: sometimes stocks rise at first and then their value gradually decreases. Some investors dump their package and try another company; Others keep them because they have made a small profit or they simply hold out, waiting for better times… But what characterizes the couples who have opted for the right action, those who remain happy for years? Let’s go by parts.
The difficulty of the couple fitting in
The first indicator of the stability of a relationship is the level of satisfaction at the beginning of it: someone who starts off very very very happy remains quite happy after many years; A stock with a spectacular start has to fall a lot to be below average. But let’s not be fooled, only 4 percent of couples fall into the category of happy couples. The good news is that those 4 percent get a double benefit: They’re healthier, too. Healthy behaviors are contagious; For example, they get a flu shot because their partner has too. Now, if the relationship starts out so-so, your little happiness will gradually turn into a big misfortune. Unfortunately, this affects 54 percent of all couples.
“Opposites attract” is not a good recipe for couples to be happy in the long term. Studies ensure that love is maintained if both share the same values
The answer to why some relationships remain happy seems easy: because the partners fit together perfectly. But achieving that fit is not so simple. If we hardly know ourselves, how are we going to know who complements us? Not only that, we also don’t always look for the same thing. Researchers at the University of Colorado have found that women find masculine facial features attractive during the fertile phase of their cycle, but prefer more feminine features on other days. Conclusion from the perspective of evolutionary biology: men with a lot of testosterone are preferred to conceive children, but those with more estrogen are chosen to raise them.
If you want to meet someone, it’s best to sit in a bar when it’s about to close: at that moment, everyone becomes more attractive. This is according to a study by the Norwegian University of Aarhus. And no, it’s not because of the alcohol. They call it the ‘closure effect’: by reducing the number of possibilities to ‘contact’ due to lack of time, the offer becomes more attractive. But be careful: ‘love at first sight’ does not have a good prognosis.
Attachment and positive illusions
Sigmund Freud already proclaimed that the basis for a successful relationship is in childhood. Psychologists now focus on attachment: having a secure bond with mother and father is essential for a future happy relationship. This bond only develops if the parents are sensitive to the child’s needs and live a harmonious relationship. According to a study, 56 percent of Europeans have this secure attachment and are therefore a good starting point for lasting love happiness. The attachment theory developed by the English psychologist John Bowlby maintains that people with secure attachment are more positive and open towards their partner and show their affection. Something fundamental, since the lack of love and appreciation is precisely one of the main reasons for breakups.
Another advantage of attachment is that those who feel deeply about another person see them positively: more intelligent, more beautiful. And even their mistakes are less annoying. These positive illusions about your partner have the positive effect of eliminating competition. No one can compare to that radiant person. So keep your rose-colored glasses on and you’ll have a happier relationship than those who constantly put their partner through a reality stress test.
But what makes a person radiant in your eyes? Popular wisdom has two theories: ‘opposites attract’ and ‘birds of different feathers don’t like to mix’. And which one is correct? Science has a clear answer: birds of a feather like to mix and the more similar, the better. A study conducted by Boston University School has shown that couples in satisfying long-term relationships have similar personality structures. If you are both more extroverted, it doesn’t matter how strong the extroversion is: what matters is that they follow the same pattern.
The attraction of similarity applies especially strongly to our values. The closer partners are to their core beliefs, the more likely their relationship will last. The desire for similarity is so strong that in the first phase of a relationship, people change their opinions to adapt to that of their partner. In any case, the important thing is that the lovers are convinced that they are similar. Caution: if you notice at any time that your partner has a different attitude, don’t make the mistake of pressuring him to change. Studies show that this only makes you less attractive.
For its part, attribution theory reveals a secret about how couples function: this theory of social psychology analyzes the characteristics that one attributes to themselves and to the other. An example: neither of them has emptied the dishwasher. If partners interpret this to mean that they are both overworked, then that is good for the relationship. But if one of you thinks the other is lazy, that’s a nail in the coffin.
© Der Spiegel
