by When a child is born, it is vital that the couple become more of a team than ever., and this is because life changes radically in every sense, and these new parents are going to have to reorganize their daily lives and, to a large extent, put aside or give up certain hobbies. But sometimes sleep, tiredness and stress accumulate in such a way when having a little one at home that friction between the couple soon arises. Where before there was a team, Now there is a clear rivalry over who has changed more diapers or who has slept fewer hours.
The wear and tear, the distance and the lack of communication with those who carry it stress caused by parenting and work It is precisely the first reason for divorce of Spaniards, according to data from the Family Law Observatory of the Spanish Association of Family Lawyers (AEAFA). Specifically, 32% of lawyers cite it as a “very common” reason; of breakups.
First months
When a couple has a child, theyThe first months will be totally absorbed by that newborn. You have to think that breastfeeding implies that a woman breastfeeds practically every three hours, and that leaves very little room for self-care, and even less for intimacy as a couple. “When a child arrives there are all changes and we have to move in our capacity to adapt to them,” explains the president of the Association of Family Therapy and Mediation of Galicia and expert couples psychologist, Roberto Antón. “It is true that the changes that occur when having children are predictable, but In the end I think that nothing changes more, regardless of an illness, than motherhood and The paternity”, considers the expert.
“Sometimes having children is very sweetened in the media and on the networks and then people find themselves with a much more complex reality. Very beautiful, very rich, but also complicated, because in the end they are very radical changes in our way of living, and they happen at times when the couple or person is in full development. Normally, we are in an age of professional and personal growth, and all that takes a back seat to focus on the children, “she explains.
Self-care
Taking into account the changes at all levels that becoming parents produce, the psychologist clarifies that it is vital to be aware of the situation and try to make time for ourselves, because self-care is the basis for everything else. “There are always windows of opportunity that should be taken advantage of.. You must always try to maintain a certain balance. It is true that when children are a few months old we do not have time for ourselves, but as they grow, certain moments appear in which, sometimes, we can rely on the family or take turns doing an activity that we like,” he indicates. “Sometimes we focus one hundred percent on our children and 6 months pass, a year, two… and we continue the same, and That ends up causing wear and tear on the person and the relationship.”.
Roberto Antón detects in his consultations that She is the woman who finds it most difficult to get rid of her role as a mother, even for a few hours, because she feels “guilty.” to do something for herself. “On the other hand, it is more common for men to take time to meet a friend or play sports, and that often causes arguments because the woman reproaches them,” she says. “I’m not sure if this guilt is a cultural issue or if it is related to the education received by a specific woman, but it is very common. What I never encountered was the reverse situation: a father to stop doing things and be with the child 24/7 while the mother maintains her hobbies,” he comments.
Disagreements
“Once the child is born, wear and tear occurs in terms of time, relationship, and even sexual relations,” says the expert. We must remember that when it comes to parenting there are different models and in any case parents must reach a consensus on those points where there is disagreement. “Friction can appear for any reason because everything is against. “We only sleep for a few hours, on an emotional level we no longer have the escape routes that we had, there is no time to communicate… and this can all result in everyone going their own way and the couple not speaking for months,” he says. . “Many times in therapy when I ask couples how long ago they last did something together, people talk about months. And I don’t mean taking a trip, I mean watching a movie once the children fall asleep,” she says. When this happens, it means that communication is conspicuous by its absence.
Avoid friction
Many times there is no family network and that means that the couple will never be able to find time to do some activity alone and become “boyfriends” again. for a few hours, but there is always the possibility of spending time together. “A child must be raised and cared for, but so must the relationship. We are not just parents”, comments the psychologist. “There are always windows of opportunity at some point during the week to take time alone,” he says. “When the child sleeps, you can take advantage of it to spend some time together. It is important to communicate concerns, doubts, bad things and good things to others.”
Roberto Antón clarifies that there are two ways to resolve any conflict: cold or hot. “You may start screaming because the child just vomited, and you have to take care of him even though you are making dinner., while the other is on the couch. But you can also decide to talk about it when the child is already asleep, and coldly reach agreements.”
