Why a lesbian couple had to go all the way to Denmark to have children | Sunday paper

When Christina and Rebecca Gelinsky wanted to start a family, they first turned to German fertility clinics. However, they refused to carry out the treatment without a sperm bank. However, the two preferred to have a child with the help of a sperm donor they knew. They finally found help in Denmark. We talked to them about their story.

“First I asked generally whether they work with same-sex couples”

Could you tell us about your desire to have children together? They already had a potential donor, but in Germany this didn’t seem to be possible for various reasons.

Christina Gelinsky: I called various clinics and asked. First I asked in general whether they work with same-sex couples, because this is not the case everywhere in Germany. Everyone agreed to that. But when I asked if they also worked with an exclusive donor – that’s what we call it here – they always said, no, we don’t do that, we only work with the relevant sperm banks. The tone changed immediately and the friendliness was mostly gone. I called many clinics and the answer was almost always the same: They don’t work with exclusive donors. One clinic suggested that we officially act as a couple – our exclusive donor and I – but unofficially say that we are only a couple on paper and that my wife can come with me to every examination.

How did you react?

Christina Gelinsky: At first I thought that would be a good idea, but that was exactly what we didn’t want. Because we wanted the legal route through a fertility clinic to make things legally easier. So that would have been the opposite. Then there was a clinic where the woman was friendly and open. I asked her if I was misunderstanding something because the procedure is the same if I came with a man because it doesn’t work the natural way. They take the man’s seed and use it on me. That would be the same with an exclusive donor. She agreed with me, but didn’t give any arguments. That doesn’t seem to make enough money. The clinics have collaborations with sperm banks and apparently earn more money this way.

“We then decided not to look any further in Germany”

So it’s a financial decision, not a moral one?

Christina Gelinsky: Yes, probably. We had a similar experience in Hamburg before we found the donor. We spoke to someone who had already implemented this approach in Essen. So we knew it was possible. We then had a preliminary discussion at a fertility clinic in Hamburg and it seemed that they didn’t really want to work with us. They didn’t tell us anything about the cost and when we asked we were put off. We paid 120 euros for the consultation without getting anything useful. She only recorded the insemination process and when I asked about the exclusive donor she said that was not allowed. But we knew from other sources that it was possible. She just gave us a flyer and that was it. After that, we stopped researching because we heard from other couples that it was similar. We then had an online interview with a clinic in Denmark and that was a completely different experience. We then decided not to look any further in Germany but to go straight to Denmark.

So it was easy in Denmark?

Christina Gelinsky: Yes, the clinic even said on their website that they work with known donors. When we mentioned the donor in conversation there, it wasn’t a problem. They pointed out to us that it was the most expensive way, but when we agreed it was okay. They asked us to meet the donor, had a long conversation with him and required medical reports. Communication was friendly and open.

Rebecca Gelinsky: Here in Germany the sperm banks are such an anonymous thing, we didn’t want that.

You get a catalog with the donor’s preferences, hobbies and political views.

Rebecca Gelinsky: Exactly! And then it becomes more and more expensive from profile to profile, depending on the quality of the semen and the level of education of the man.

Have you felt or experienced reservations about your same-sex love?

Christina Gelinsky: No, it was only a little different during a personal encounter (the consultation at the fertility clinic in HH). I don’t think this is typical, but through her repeated apologies for using the term “stepchild adoption” and her suggestions that we should leave it alone – both in terms of adoption and legal issues – she made us feel that way that she wouldn’t like to work with us.

Was there no other discrimination?

Rebecca Gelinsky: No, as I said, it was more like they didn’t want to work with us.

“In Denmark you don’t have to adopt, your partner is automatically the second parent”

Is the legal situation different in Denmark?

Christina Gelinsky: Partially. In Denmark you don’t have to adopt, your partner is automatically the second parent. In Germany, adoption is necessary and difficult. And in Denmark, same-sex couples are financially supported. This is not the case here in Germany. You do not receive any financial support from your health insurance if you are treated as a same-sex couple who want to have children.

Does this only apply to same-sex couples?

Christina Gelinsky: As a married heterosexual couple, depending on your health insurance company, you can get up to 80 or 100 percent of the costs reimbursed, or one to three attempts if the natural route doesn’t work for health reasons, but as a same-sex couple you don’t get any financial support at all. You are not included in the German health insurance models and are not financially supported.

Rebecca Gelinsky: Although we are married, we are not a family in the eyes of the health insurance companies and therefore do not receive any financial support. This is my personal experience.

“There is talk of tolerance and acceptance everywhere, but in practice there are still many obstacles”

What should change in Germany?

Christina Gelinsky: The first thing to change is that as a spouse you don’t have to adopt. That would be a big step for many couples. It is absurd that we as same-sex couples have to overcome so many hurdles to be recognized as a family, even though we have been a family to begin with. It should make no difference whether the child was conceived through sperm donation or naturally. A man can support his partner by donating sperm and be recognized as a father. But two women are not recognized because it supposedly does not correspond to the family image. It is absurd that in 2024 we still have to discuss the concept of family.

Rebecca Gelinsky: There is talk of tolerance and acceptance everywhere, but in practice there are still many obstacles, for example with health insurance and adoption. Something definitely has to change. There is talk of “marriage for all” and equal rights and responsibilities, but in reality that is not the case. There are many differences. If a couple is not married, the father is simply listed without asking any questions. Even if a man is not married, a woman can claim that he is the father and he does not have to adopt. But two women must adopt to be recognized as a family. The whole concept is wrong.

So is there something fundamentally wrong?

Christina Gelinsky: We also experienced this during an adoption process. Here in Germany you can only apply for adoption when the baby is eight weeks old. Then someone comes to our house to see if a bond has been formed between the two and only then can you submit the application. We heard from friends that their notary said: “… there was no rush and she had other more important things to take care of.” The other parent is never officially recognized and always needs a power of attorney from the mother. These are really bad conditions that are very stressful. It’s not a nice family feeling when you always have this adoption in the back of your mind.

Rebecca Gelinsky: Yes, and if something happens to your mother, you are not covered. Then the child may be with the grandparents or with the youth welfare office. You simply have no rights.

Christina Gelinsky: We now know that it is possible to use an exclusive donor, and we can offer the child the father when the time comes. That was very important to us. We consciously wanted the father to be there or to be there. It was frustrating that we were denied this opportunity in Germany because someone else decided.

“There are many men, whether heterosexual or homosexual, who have an unwanted desire to have children.”

Is there anything positive you take away from all of this?

Christina Gelinsky: I have to say that during this experience we met many different people, all of whom wanted to be parents in their own way. It was very encouraging to see that it is possible in different constellations. There are many men, whether heterosexual or homosexual, who have an unwanted desire to have children. Some are single, others live in a partnership in which, for example, B. A woman no longer has any current desire to have children. This was a surprising realization for me that I did not expect. It shows that there are also men who are unhappy because they don’t have children, and this group is often overlooked, with an exclusive donation they too get the opportunity to become parents and find their place.