What to do when you are your partner’s savior and you leave yourself aside

This thing about trying to save your partner happens to us women too much… why? “Yeah, Women are usually victims of playing the role of savior in their relationships, since from a very young age they are conditioned to be good to others.“says Ana Clavell (@anaclavell), psychologist, hypnotherapist, life coachrelationship expert and author of the book Heal your emotional wounds.

As Ana continues, “from this role of the good girl that was instilled in us as children, As a woman, you understand that your value is measured according to what you can contribute to others and not by who you are.unconsciously leading you to abandon yourself and sacrifice yourself to help others and be recognized as a good woman.”

“Very Behind the role of savior is a deeply wounded girl who needs to prove her worth to others., and until you as an adult take care of that girl, you will put others first and above yourself,” Clavell emphasizes. This is how therapeutic writing can help you.

The different roles of the couples rescuer

Saving others, especially our partners, can take different forms: when he has an addiction problem, when he is not committed, when he has trauma, when he is suffering a lot for his wife and that is why he does not leave herbecause he is depressed and that’s why he doesn’t work, because he was hurt a lot as a child and that’s why he treats you badly… Do you know how a lack of self-esteem affects a relationship?

As Ana Clavell points out, “The role of savior can take many forms and will always be focused on putting others above oneself.having controlling, overprotective, caring and excessively helpful behaviors, very unconsciously underestimating the abilities that person may have to save himselfespecially if this person is in a vulnerable state (unemployed, addicted, emotionally wounded, etc.).”

But be clear, as Clavell emphasizes, “when we adopt that role of savior in whatever form, We are acting from a childish and lacking mechanism that was probably established in our first years of life.in which we associate that, to be seen, loved or recognized, we had to prove our value by being good for others, even if this led us to be bad to ourselves.

The consequences? As the psychologist points out, “that In adult life we ​​abandon ourselves and take a very passive role when it comes to taking care of ourselvesusing as an excuse that we are too busy taking care of others.”

Is it possible to ‘save’ another person? We must do it?

Rather, he would have to “save” himself, especially if we are talking about a relationship between adults… “If we have a partner who for some reason is in a vulnerable situation, such as unemployed, going through a family difficulty, with an addiction or unhealthy behavior towards themselves, There is a fine line between being empathetic, listening to the other person and providing support without exercising this role. in which we assume the responsibility and emotional burden of freeing the other person from whatever is happening to them.”

As Clavell explains, “Our relationships are not the place in which one of the members has to save the other, since what I consider to be good for the other person does not necessarily have to be what the other person really needs.” What’s more, this relationship expert emphasizes that “When we try to save another person we are robbing them of the opportunity to test their emotional abilities. to take charge of herself.” This is how you can help your partner if he suffers from anxiety.

What happens in a relationship when one tries to save the other

Because there are usually consequences, and usually negative ones for both… “When in a relationship one person tries to save the other, the first thing we have to observe is that there is a power dynamic there.””says Clavell.

This, as this psychologist explains, “means that at some point in this relationship the person trying to save the other is seeing their partner as a victim and therefore as lessand if in the dynamic we perceive that our partner is less and is not an equal, there we will begin to execute not only a role of savior but also a more filial role, as of mother or father of our partner, limiting the ability of the relationship to grow and develop emotionally and together with its members.” Who wants to be their partner’s mother? Here are signs to know if your relationship has a future.

Signs that you are trying to save your partner

These are the signs that, according to Ana Clavell, should set off alarm bells:

• We constantly tell them what to do and how to do it.: from what habits they should implement, to how they should dress, what job they should look for and how they should do it.
• We try to change the way of beingthe attitudes or behaviors of our partner.
• We become your only emotional support and we do not suggest that you also foster connections with friends or go to therapy.
• If you always have to fix or resolve conflicts created by your decisions. For example: your partner has a debt and you pay it. This is how money can affect your relationship.
• When you feel guilty or responsible for decisions or behaviors that your partner has.
• You don’t allow him to resolve his conflicts on your own.
• You think that what you want for your partner is better than what your partner may want for himself.
• You do not perceive your partner as an equal but rather you see him inferior to you.
• When you are no longer able to admire the capabilities and emotional resources that your partner may have to take care of himself.

What’s behind the role of savior?

What defect or trauma do we ourselves have if we adopt this position of savior as a couple? As Ana Clavell points out, “The person who usually adopts the role of savior usually has a wound of abandonment or humiliation that was probably created in his childhood.”. As this relationship expert explains, “trying to save other people is an unconscious way of wanting to prove their worth and making the other person depend on you, to feel good, being the role of savior an unconscious way of manipulating the How others perceive you: As long as you are your partner’s savior, you will always be the good, sacrificial and self-sacrificing one. As long as your partner needs you, you feel the guarantee that he or she is not going to abandon you.”.

in his book Heal your emotional woundsClavell explains that Both the wound of abandonment and humiliation have a very specific profile of partners to choose or bring., and they tend to be people who need to be rescued because this victim attitude usually triggers the role of savior in you. This is what happens when you don’t take care of your inner child.

Guidelines to stop being a couples savior

Do you identify with everything that Ana Clavell has told us? What to do about this situation? This well-known psychologist asks us very useful questions to start changing the situation.

• What are you tolerating in your relationships that you no longer want to tolerate? Here are 30 non-negotiable things in a relationship.
• What problems or difficulties are you taking as yours but they really aren’t?
• Who or what are you trying to take care of that really doesn’t belong to you?
• What would your relationships be like if you communicated what you are no longer willing to tolerate?
• What would your relationships be like if you communicated the limits of how far it is healthy for you to help others?

For these questions to have their healing effect, Clavell points out that “it is necessary that you focus on attending to your emotional needs, understanding that When you stop taking care of yourself to take care of others, you are perpetuating the cycle of self-neglect.hurting yourself, the same way you were probably hurt in your childhood.”

How to act if your partner has problems

When we meet someone who needs to be saved, Is it best to advise him to go to therapy or run away? As Clavell says, “at any moment in our lives we can encounter someone who wants to escape the responsibility of taking care of themselves.” And, as he emphasizes, “When you meet someone who triggers the role of savior in you, the first thing is to know how far you can help the other person without sacrificing yourself., recognize that it is not your role to be responsible for saving the other and, above all, suggest that they seek help on their own so that they can take care of themselves.” Here are some tips to suggest that you need to go to a psychologist.

“And of course If at any point in the relationship you see that this person refuses to take charge of themselves and continues to want to burden you with the responsibility of saving it, it is very important that you are able to establish limits,” says Clavell. As this psychologist emphasizes, “If necessary, distance yourself, since in these cases the problem is not that the other person needs to be saved but that you need to be saving. to someone constantly.”

To heal the role of savior in your relationships, Clavell emphasizes the importance of “give yourself permission to recognize the part of you that uses others as an excuse to escape from taking charge of yourself and at the same time it is a way of wanting to prove that you are enough.” According to this expert “It is necessary that you begin to root within yourself that you are already deserving, whether or not you choose to save others., that your worth is not measured by the change you can make in other people’s lives, but by the change you can bring to your own life.” “The best gift you can give to humanity is to start taking charge of yourself and focus on your emotional healing.“, Add.

To finish, Clavell leaves us this wonderful reflection: “You have never seen a lighthouse turn off its light to go rescue a ship, lighthouses stay still and only illuminate the path of those who are willing to advance on their own”.

Do you want to heal your relationships forever? Ana Clavell has a well-known course with this same name. Transpersonal psychologist, hypnotherapist and spiritual writer, Clavell is an expert in healing emotional wounds to cultivate healthy relationships. She resides in Barcelona and through her social networks guides thousands of women around the world towards empowerment and emotional healing so that they can connect with their authentic essence.

Grijalbo Heal your emotional wounds: A guide to finding yourself and cultivating conscious relationships (Psychology)

Grijalbo Heal your emotional wounds: A guide to finding yourself and cultivating conscious relationships (Psychology)