by If we stop to think about the sexual scenes that movies show, we will realize that these tend to be the ones that take place at the beginning of relationships, that is, when passion is at its peak and sex is part of the relationship. love language with which to know the other. Presumably the filmmakers do not believe that we viewers want to see a couple practice missionary with more resignation than fiery, so they prefer that libidinous fireworks reign, but apart from what the big screen shows, The truth is that both real life and neuroscience make it clear that unfortunately (and to no one’s surprise), passion is not eternal.
Fiery beginnings… slow continuations
Sexual desire is always most intense at the beginning of a relationship, also known as the “attraction phase,” because there is more dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine flowing. These chemicals are part of the brain’s search and reward system, which tells it that what we are looking for is good and that we need more. “It’s also the reason why you often can’t get what you like out of your head. In fact, at first it is exactly like an addiction. However, as the relationship becomes more stable and trusting, this chemical cocktail begins to include more relaxing substances, such as oxytocin and prolactin,” says Megwyn White, certified sexologist and director of education at Satisfyer.
“New Relationship Energy (NRE) translates as intensified sexual feelings. It is the term coined to describe the initial phase, in which we see everything in pink, and we live the relationship with great intensity and lust. This stage of desire in a relationship is programmed to help us move towards sex and makes us lose our minds. It makes us feel that desire towards our partner, and we even fantasize about them when they are not there. It can be considered the “addicted phase” of desire, in which one is literally hooked on their lover and feels the need to be intimately united to manage their love arrangement,” he says. He clarifies that this state of intense libido will begin to change. naturally after 6-12 months of the relationship, as the couples get to know each other better, something that I consider to be positive, because most people cannot control this manic state of attraction for too long.
“First of all, it is important for people to understand that experiencing a lack of desire, or not feeling it, is a very common phenomenon in long-term relationships. The key is how we face it. Every relationship has its layers, and although sex is important to maintain the bond of the relationship, it is never the only influencing factor, as it is often combined with many other problems. While it may not be a problem in all relationships, some couples may abandon their partner or themselves when it comes to addressing these underlying issues, and this, of course, often leads to an inevitable breakdown of the relationship,” White explains. .
However, it is not easy to assume that sexual activity Within the life of a couple it is not at its best when programs like ‘The resistance’, By making their guests confess how much sex they have had in the last month, they make it difficult for viewers not to scrutinize their own numbers. In the same way that Broncano also asks them about the money in their checking account, when doing the same with their sexual life… Aren’t we also praising them? erotic capital?
White assures that by going a little deeper and treating the situation with empathy, there is a good chance that couples will overcome that gap in intimacy, and therefore, the subsequent sexual desire. “Many couples learn to overcome the challenges of this lack of desire by facing this challenge together. If the relationship is based on love and sharing, it is possible to find a compromise and a path back to intimacy that meets the needs of both. In fact, this process can help strengthen the bond between couples and lead to a deeper, more satisfying connection,” he says.
When to worry… and when not to
Although with the passage of time, it is normal that the passion is not like that of the first months, when should we worry? Valérie Tasso, writer, sexologist and LELO ambassador for Spain, begins by explaining that it is common for the spark to diminish for a reason that you may identify with: familiarity, which is not exactly the best friend of casual passion.
“That “familiarity” that is established in the members of a couple over the years is very inappropriate for desire, which always seeks new territory and its conquest. Instead, it strengthens and consolidates the muscles of the love bond. Concern would arise when the asymmetry of desire is excessively manifest, when one wants have sexual relations continuously and the other does not; when one or both of them makes the mistake of associating the quality and frequency of sexual interactions with the love that is being processed or when, without any type of agreement, pact or communication, an erotic encounter is sought with an external third party in the couple and, furthermore, this “contact” is confused, both in the active and the passive subject, with an indisputably loving manifestation,” he comments.
As with any relationship problem, conversation is key, as indicated by Arola Poch, a sexologist at the liberal social network Wyylde. “You have to understand that it is normal to have a different level of sexual desire. No one should feel bad either for being the one who has more, or for being the one who has less. Sometimes we tend to think that this lack of desire is because our partner no longer likes us and that generates insecurities, when it doesn’t have to be that way. It may be due to issues related to stress, monotony, a difference in tastes, etc. It is also important to understand that no one should pressure or pressure themselves under the belief that a couple “must have” sexual relations,” she explains.
He assures that having relationships “because it has to” can end up being counterproductive, since the important thing is to approach the issue with empathy for both parties, without reproaches, focus on the reasons, negotiate and if you don’t see a way out, you can go to a /a sexologist who will help reconnect with desire.
The sexual desire repair shop
When there is a desire discrepancy problem, Megwyn White recommends stopping focusing on the frequency of sexual relations to put attention on the quality of sex and intimacy. It is also considered ideal to try to escape from the immediate pressure generated by the situation. “At its core, a difference in sexual desire, or a “lack of spark,” can simply be an incredible opportunity for couples to heal and improve their relationship while being careful. If couples are not able to address the emotional wounds that are present, problems will continue to arise or, even worse, infidelity may occur, which could be irreversible damage to the relationship,” she says.
“In general, the best thing you can do to deal with desire discrepancies with your partner is to recognize that differences exist and focus on them, which are key to helping maintain a healthy sex life. All of these elements help drive “sexual interdependence,” which can be defined as a mutual effort to support the relationship bond, and which has been linked to sexual satisfaction, especially in long-term relationships,” says White.
In the same way that at the beginning we alluded to how cinema tends to focus on the most passionate moments of couples, celebrities tend to talk about their sexual lives when it is especially lively. There seems to be a certain fear of appearing like a person who is not very active in the sexual sphere, and that is why Alex Corretja, when he went to ‘La Resistencia’, confessed to David Broncano that thanks to being aware that the question was going to arise, his partner, Martina Klein, and he, gave themselves over to passion: “We are in a continuous sprint, but now has accelerated,” he said proudly. Mini point for passion for television purposes!
Nobody wants to look like an altar boy on TV, it seems… Although Gwyneth Paltrow cares much less, as long as it helps her business. The actress had no trouble recognizing in a video published on her website, GOOP, to her sexual guru (yes: that position exists), Michaela Boehm, that confinement had taken its toll on her passion with her husband. her, Brad Falchuk.
But… How can we reactivate the spark? Tasso advocates therapy and sex toys. “I usually recommend getting advice from a therapist, who will analyze the particularities of the drop in desire in each case. Each couple and each member within it is a world in itself, and standard “solutions” often lead to unsatisfactory results. Likewise, the advice that is usually given outside of that therapeutic environment is not usually useful either, especially if we measure its effectiveness in the short term. It is best to have a professional guide that rehabilitation of desire, possibly adapting a “sensory focusing” protocol to that specific couple, but without stopping analyzing what each expects from the other, what they want outside of the couple if they want something, how they perceive themselves and in relation to the other and a whole series of capital issues to try to achieve the set objective,” he explains.
He points out that it is likely that, apart from “sensory focus”, some “homework” will be introduced, such as reading erotic stories, watch an erotic movie together, introduce some type of erotic toy… “The choice of a sex toy or not will depend on the scale of values of both of you and how open you are when it comes to introducing these elements into your bedroom. What do we want? , deep down, with these objects and tools? Simply, “feed” the desire. desire is worked. We have to nourish it in the same way we have to nourish our body so that it continues to function,” he says.
Arola Poch also focuses on the mind and nurturing eroticism on a psychological level, since if the mind is active in the erotic, it will guide the body. This involves thinking about fantasies, having conversations about sex, sharing desires, opening the relationship (if it is something both people agree to), etc. “From there, novelties and games can also be introduced into sexual relations. It can be anything from posing a role-playing game to using an erotic toy, go to a swinger place, etc Having satisfying relationships also fuels desire,” she says.
The important thing to keep in mind is that the desire should not be taken for granted, but rather it must be trained and exercised, so anyone who feels that the spark has disappeared from their relationship does not have to give it all up for lost, but rather talk to your partner and reset the passion by turning on not only magic buttons, but above all, the mind.
