Amy Adams and Christoph Waltz in ‘Big Eyes’ (2014).
Although it seems like a financial concept, everyday life is full of hostile takeovers; the couple is one of the environments where they most proliferate
For psychologist Lara Ferreiro, “The question we have to ask ourselves to know if we are in an abusive relationship is if we can decide what we want or are we always giving in”
Three ways to reconnect with your partner when it seems impossible
These days the media breaks down the Hostile takeover that he BBVA has thrown on the Sabadell Bank. This is a purchase operation carried out by a company to acquire a significant amount of shares of another company without the prior consent and against the will of the board of directors of the company that is to be purchased.
The OPA and life
Although it seems like a strictly financial concept, if we think about it carefully, we will see that everyday life is plagued by hostile takeover bids of greater or lesser significance. Most personal relationships are based on power links based on a system of hierarchies: The teacher exercises a type of power over the student as the boss does with the employee.
In the family, there is an obvious hierarchy from parents to children, but there are also more subtle ones between friends and, especially, in couples, where there are more hostile OPAs than it seems. “There are so many, we can’t imagine”confirms Lara Ferreiro, psychologist at the Ashley Madison dating app, who has a very clear idea of what it consists of: “Hostile takeovers in a couple occur when one of its members tries to manipulate the other party against your wishes, without your participation, and sometimes without your knowledge. In these cases, there is a excessive control, a certain isolation and a form of abuse“.
The expert emphasizes the way power is exercised within the couple because doing it fairly, without falling into abuse, is a very complex task, which requires sensitivity and empathy. Therefore, it is important to know when we are expressing a legitimate desire and achieving real consensus, and when we are forcing the other party to do something they do not want. If this happens regularly, we would be experiencing an asymmetric relationship.
Signs of asymmetry
“In asymmetric relationships there is always a dominant figure and another dominated figure“explains Ferreiro. Among the signs that we are facing an asymmetrical relationship, the couple’s lack of connection is the most obvious, but there are deeper signs. “When one of the two does not pay attention to the calls for attention or support from the other, invalidates their emotions, there is a lack of communication andand make decisions unilaterally, there is an imbalance of power. Whenever there is excessive control, what I call the ‘helicopter couple’, which control social networksfriendships, social life or even physical appearance, there is a certain abuse of power,” says the expert.
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Another clear sign of asymmetry is the dependency and unequal distribution of tasks: “If one member of the couple depends on the other, especially from a financial or emotional point of view, sometimes reaching the point of addiction, and there is an imbalance in the workload (normally, women take on more tasks ), that relationship is not equal.”
But where asymmetry has its worst effect is in the disrespect. “If feelings are invalidated and some type of violence is incurred, whether physical, verbal, emotional or sexual, this is clearly a relationship. asymmetric and hostilewhen do not directly toxic, something that in consultation I see is growing. At that point it is important to seek support, both family and professional,” warns Ferreiro, who shares another key: “The question we have to ask ourselves to know if we are in an equal relationship or not is If we can decide what we want or are we always giving in. Deep down, it’s easy to realize: just think about how our partner makes us feel.”
The law of ice
In addition to the signs described, a common strategy for hostile relationships is to practice the law of silence or the law of ice. “The silent treatment is very common in this type of relationship. It is a emotional abuse technique which consists of not speaking or not responding to the partner. It is a way of punishing a person with an icy attitude so that they believe they have done something wrong. The other party usually feel insecure and anxious”says expert.
Another common strategy is that of “cold water and hot water. What is being done is a intermittent booster: one day your partner ignores you and another day he is super affectionate. That is very toxic because what they are doing to us is getting us hooked on seeking positive rewards,” explains the psychologist. The prolonged silences, the disinterest (those monosyllabic responses), gaslighting the other person or disappearing without explanation – the famous ‘ghosting’ – are other strategies of hostility.
The ultimate goal of all is isolation. “They may even begin to criticize the family so that the relationship becomes less frequent and they end up being more alone. The desire for control also reaches the circle of friends, with more or less veiled threats: ‘If you go out with these friends, I’ll do this other thing.’ They search through conflict create an environment of fear to achieve your goals. These are relationships in which you cannot be yourself,” warns the psychologist.
Put a stop
Can you escape from a situation like this? Lara Ferreiro is forceful on this point. “The first thing you need to know is What profile are we facing?. Who is making this takeover bid for us? If is one narcissistic psychopath, it is impossible to put a stop to it. That is something incurable: they do not feel empathy or guilt or do moral reasoning. They have the altered prefrontal cortex of the brain and also him cingulate gyrus -two parts involved with self-awareness-. “They won’t be able to change in any way.”
If we are not facing those profiles, we must try to reverse the dynamic. To achieve this, the expert shares five guidelines:
- Recognize abuse: “In the first instance, you have to recognize the problem and know that you are abusing the other person.”
- Set clear boundaries: “The aggrieved party has to express its needs: equal treatment, distribution of tasks and leisure, and economic management.”
- Seek therapeutic support: “It is very important to go to mental health professionals. The success of good therapy may be that it is better to separate. Breaking up may be the only way out.”
- Trust the environment. “Sometimes it is good to talk to friends and family because from the outside you can see all the toxic dynamics much better”
- Work on self-esteem. “Ultimately, if you have these controlling partners on a recurring basis, you should work on your self-esteem and find out what is making us choose these people.”
Cheating a relationship of this type is essential for mental and emotional health. “The consequences of living in a hostile relationship They are horrible. The victims feel completely canceledthey feel that they are not valid and their self-esteem is very damaged because manipulation strategies make them lose self-confidence. It is also common for there to be depression, feelings of helplessness or lack of enthusiasm. Underneath the depression, there is a lot of anger and a lot of anger because you feel that someone is violating your rights. One also lives immersed in the fear and tension of not living safely in the face of disproportionate reactions of the couple. Most likely, that person will develop a post-traumatic stress disorderwith symptoms such as not being able to sleep, suffering nightmares, being hypervigilant or even developing some obsessive-compulsive disorder, in addition to physical health problems caused by sky-high cortisol. Consequences? Headache or gastrointestinal problems such as irritable bowel syndrome or Crohn’s disease,” concludes the expert.