by There is nothing wrong with being good. The problem is when indiscriminate generosity becomes an addiction. Then we can talk about «bad kindness“, when by wanting to please others and please them, by the need to “fit in”, you give up your own priorities and stop being yourself.
The adult beggar of love
I remember well a conversation I had in the psychologist Xavier Guix’s office. One of the topics I put on the table was my addiction to pleasing otherswhich included inviting everyone, including large dinners and trips.
One of the keys had been given to me, months before, by the psychologist Antoni Bolinches: «Whom As a child he lacked the love of his father or motheras an adult he will try to buy it by all means».
And the love of the addict to please is bought with money, with time and energy, until in the end you find yourself so empty that you stop knowing who you are.
This is precisely the theme of Xavier Guix’s latest book: The problem of being too good, a very widespread syndrome that has its origins in beliefs that have been instilled in us since childhood. Every child develops a desire to please because, from unconscious memory like hunter gatherers, the weakest need the protection of the group. And that means liking them.
The four dynamics of “bad kindness”
The drama is when, being adults and without beasts stalking us, we continue trying to buy love or, worse still, we beg the esteem of others. Xavier Guix tells us in his book about four columns that support the unhealthy addiction to pleasing:
- Be guided by the principle of obedience. It starts from the belief that, to be a good person, you have to meet all the demands of others, whether you like them or not. If you stop obeying, you stop being “good”, as we have been instilled in childhood.
- The command to behave well. It involves becoming obsessed with the demand, go out of your way so that everything turns out perfect, and suffer for fear of making mistakes. As the author states: «Behaving well is being perfect for others».
- The anguish of not being good. For the “do-gooder” person, the worst of calamities is feel rejected or left out for being different, not being taken into account. Another reason for suffering is “not being good enough,” which causes guilt and fear.
- The contained anger. Bad kindness results in the repression and accumulation of unexpressed anger at not being able to be oneself. The unfair treatment you often receive, what you can swallow and endureit can end up turning into self-hatred and even somatize in the form of diseases.
Let’s look at a practical example. Ángeles lives by and for others, to the point where her Generosity and altruism have become “bad kindness”, as she feels exhausted, has frequent migraines, and her mood is usually low. She has trouble sleeping at night and often feels disappointed with her surroundings.
Why are so many people inconsiderate towards her, when Ángeles gives everything for others? As her anger grows, which she tries hard to hide, she feels worse and worse. Until she understands that With her excessive dedication she is attacking herself, you will not begin to make changes that will allow you to live a more balanced existence. However, she is worried about the reaction of others when they see that she has stopped being so solicitous. Will he lose points in his consideration, with what it has cost him to harvest it? Will they even leave it aside?
Peirce’s diagram: from the necessary to the possible
I found out about this one through Guix diagram of the American philosopher and logician CS Peirce. It consists of four quadrants: the necessary, the possible, the impossible and the contingent. For the topic of this article, we are interested in the first two.
- Those who are moved by what is necessary see giving to others a vital requirement., like the child who depends on the protective embrace of his parents. That’s why they always have “yes” on their lips, even if it means giving up their own time and needs.
- Those who move for the possibleinstead, They act according to their possibilities, guided by common sense. They are not selfish, but measured. When they receive a request, they analyze whether they have the time, energy or money involved, making sure that this does not have negative consequences. If it is possible to help without denying yourself, your answer will be affirmative. Otherwise, they will tell you: «Sorry, it’s not possible for me at the moment.».
The first two quadrants of Peirce’s diagram teach us that, to heal from bad goodness, we must move from what is necessary to what is possible.
The dangers of being nice
If being good to everyone meant we were loved equally, I would at least have this compensation. However, reality shows us that this is often not the case. In fact, we often reap just the opposite. Half a millennium ago, Machiavelli already warned us that “Hate is earned by both good deeds and bad deeds.». Whoever writes this article can attest to this, since countless times I have seen myself rejected and misunderstood just for being nice.
In a world full of balancers, “I only give to you if you give to me,” an attitude of service is often suspect. Kindness is read with ulterior motives and begs the question: What the hell is this one trying to achieve?
Julio Torri, a Mexican author who died in 1970, explained it with the following short story:
«And he came to the mountain where the old man dwelt. His feet were bloody from the pebbles of the road, and the brightness of his eyes was dimmed by discouragement and fatigue.
–Lord, seven years ago I came to ask you for advice. The men of the most remote countries praised your holiness and your wisdom. Full of faith I heard your words: «Listen to your own heart, and do not be jealous of the love you have for your brothers.». And since then I did not hide my passions from men. My heart was to them like a pebble in clear water. But the grace of God did not come upon me. The signs of love I gave to my brothers were supposed to be a pretense.. And lo and behold, loneliness darkened my path.
The hermit kissed him three times on the forehead; A slight smile lit up his face, and he said:
–Conceal the love you have for them from your brothers and hide your passions from men, because you are, my son, a bad actor of your emotions.
Responding to Angeles’ anxiety, getting out of bad goodness as much as possible will not harm your support network. Maybe she loses some “friendships”, but Those who walk away from us when they stop getting things are not true friends.. The important thing is that we will earn the respect of those who deserve to be at our side and, more importantly, we will earn our own respect.
Manage your doses of kindness
Generosity has limits that are set by the satisfaction of one’s own needs.
- The three denials: Numerous adult self-boycotts have as their origin negative childhood mandates such as “Don’t touch”, “Don’t say” or “Don’t do”, as explained by Oriol Pujol, teacher of many current personal development authors.
- From saved to enemies: The people he had helped the most were now his enemies, he stated in one of his articles in the Sunday newspaper. The country the writer Javier Marías. This happened because they had contracted a relationship with him. debt they could not repay.
- First step to not reoffend: To disengage yourself from “bad kindness,” a first step is Do not offer anything in advance if you have not been asked. If you stop anticipating, you will save yourself from most acts of generosity that, in reality, are not yours to perform.
- You can give yourself permission: «“Others deserve everything and you don’t need anything.”, says a supposed principle on which “bad goodness” is built. Against that prejudice, give yourself permission to ask in your life for everything that brings you fulfillment. That is not selfishness.
- Learn to say “no”: «Really successful people say ‘No’ to almost everything». It may seem extreme to us, but there is a lot of truth in this statement by Bill Gates, since There is no greater success than knowing how to preserve our time.
- Calculate the time: Before responding to a request, budget the time investment that will represent you. For example, if someone wants you to review his thesis, he calculates the hours of reading and subsequent commenting. Do you really want to give those hours?
