by Three years ago, journalist Katy Waldman wrote in The New Yorker about how common it was for people to use therapeutic language in an indiscriminate and even erroneous way. Terms that were once reserved for mental health professionals had become popular on social media, in what was called terminology worthy of “Instagram therapy.” This incorrect use of certain concepts sometimes ended up emptying them of meaning, especially when, in addition to networks, they were established on the small screen through dating television programs, in which their participants used – not always correctly – terms intended to establish limits.
“Red flags (warning signs) and green flags (positive signs) have become very popular terms in today’s culture, popularized through television shows, youth culture and social media. Flags serve a purpose in today’s society, especially when it has become so difficult to evaluate behavior in a world where one thing can in just one day come to mean something different. Red and green flags help us make better decisions, think more reflectively about our experiences with others, and be more introspective. However, they are also very subjective. For some, red flags are actually green flags, while for others, green flags are red flags,” explains Dr. Ali Fenwick in Red Flags, Green Flags, a book that delves into the tools of modern psychology necessary to navigate life’s most complicated scenarios. “It is the way in which our education, values, culture, life experiences and the media have influenced our beliefs and perceptions that makes us determine what a red flag and what is a green flag. Unfortunately, the brain’s operating system is not free of errors, as cognition is prone to making them. Making quick judgments can condition our decision-making,” adds the doctor.
Not only subjectivity comes into play, but the red flags, understood as behaviors or signals that are considered unacceptable in a relationship, they are sometimes confused with the so-called beige flags, a term coined on TikTok by user Caitlin MacPhail and which, according to Urban Dictionary, refers to “those signs that reveal that someone is boring or lacks originality.”
The social educator Ro Jiménez, who launches the book on May 30 Why does it hurt so much? A guide to understanding the pain that comes with a breakup believes that using the term excessively or without criteria can make it meaningless. “The big difference is that a red flag It is already a delicate or harmful aspect. Another thing is that this term has been globalized to make humor or has been used by people outside the world of mental health to make some type of humorous content. It is important not to abuse its use, since if you do so, in the end you lose what is important about the term, which is having more tools to detect harmful behaviors related to abuse or unhealthy relationships,” he explains.
From ally to enemy: the double side of red flag
Identifying toxic or inappropriate behavior from a potential partner or friend can be very helpful. However, sometimes paying close attention to warning signs can actually be a form of self-sabotage. The obsessive search for things that could go wrong also generates a certain feeling of control, this behavior functioning as a shield against possible heartbreak, a defense mechanism that, at the same time, stops the possibility of any romantic relationship. “In consultation, when working on personal aspects, I regularly find that people have taken the term “empowerment” while being very focused on themselves, even in a toxic way. In the search for healthy relationships and in the face of the obsession with taking into account all the red flag, a toxic relationship is generated in the development of our lives,” explains psychologist and sexologist Mariona Gabarra. “I see many people who refuse to have a partner, who go from being very selective to being closed to love and adapting to someone. “We are obsessed with looking for the faults of others and we let the good things go,” she warns.
This coincides with Lori Gottlieb, author of the book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone (Maybe you should talk to someone), in which he narrates the lights and shadows of therapy. The psychologist assures that this kind of “coffee with milk therapy” places the ego at the center of relationships, making each person make sure to put their self-care before the well-being and needs of the other, thus behaving selfishly and even in sometimes, coldly for the sake of their mental health. Furthermore, since past experiences significantly influence the expectations and behaviors with which each person faces future relationships, it is not strange that attention is biased when faced with a romantic disagreement, so the negative aspects seem more striking than the negative ones. positive, thus activating an attitude of caution, caution and protection that puts a new setback on love possibilities.
Psychologist and sexology expert Laura Morán points out that people have been trying to anticipate what could go wrong for a long time in order to be able to “throw away” someone the moment they see a red flag. “There is red flag which are very clear. Any type of physical or verbal aggression is an indisputable red flag, but it is true that we may be getting carried away by the tendency to focus more on negative aspects, because it is necessary to anticipate, control and counteract it for survival reasons. It is an ancient mechanism that perhaps we are using beyond our possibilities,” he points out. “We have become obsessed with finding red flags because we don’t like to suffer and we don’t want to waste time in relationships that are not good for us. The problem is that we can find ourselves with a self-fulfilling prophecy: if we imagine that the relationship could go wrong and we insist on examining the couple’s possible red flags, we will create unpleasant situations and we could even generate the Pygmalion effect. This means that when educators anticipate that someone is a bad student, they inadvertently contribute to scenarios in which the student behaves as such. The obsession with red flag It can prevent us from seeing the positive,” he adds.
Ro Jiménez considers it essential to realize the red flag during the first phase of the romantic relationship, since that is when rationality is not so present and dangerous behaviors are overlooked. “I think it is a topic that has gone viral on social networks, and as with many other terms, such as attachment, they end up being used for anything, resulting in the initial objective that we professionals can be downplayed.” have working these terms with people for their protection. On the other hand, and starting from the most logical basis, it provides a false sense of control and security that helps us feel calmer, and although this is partly true, it is of no use to be aware and obsess about the red flag or the behaviors of the other without doing a process of self-knowledge at the same time and looking for our whys,” he explains.
Gabarra also claims to have noticed in consultation that his patients, especially the younger ones, use flags indiscriminately. “It is something that actually happens with any label. Although the initial task is to fight something and generate changes, by not having the necessary information, people use them without meaning. Of course, someone can take the label from the red flag and thus be more careful not to enter into a toxic relationship, but first we must have been educated to know what a toxic relationship is, what manipulation is and where those behaviors come from. We have many labels, but no one has taught us how to use them,” he says.
To finish, the dating coach Jillian Turecki makes an interesting observation on her social networks. “The red flag They are not always in the other person. When someone starts lying to themselves about who they are so as not to lose the other, that is actually the red flag to watch out for,” he notes. “The confusing part about warning signs is that many people make up warnings where there are none and ignore the warning signs they should really pay attention to. Furthermore, what for someone is a red flag, For another person it may be a green flag. It depends entirely on what is good or not for each person at each stage of their life. Many people are so afraid of making the wrong choice and getting hurt that they become hypervigilant and unrealistic when they meet someone. They will look for anything that could be problematic and create red flags. Meanwhile, paradoxically, they ignore important warning signs, because they don’t want to face the possibility that it won’t work,” he explains.
