by All couples go through different phases, although not all stages They last the same for each one. Factors such as living together from the beginning of the relationship, or from the marriage are some of the variables.
A founding stage, another of consolidation and a last of maturity. This is how he defined Pedro Horvat, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, the key moments of life as a couple. Years that immerse people in journeys that go from idealization to Empty nestfrom children to grandchildren and from joint projects to the consequences of their completion or failure.
The couple and family therapy specialist assured Clarion that the classification of these stages can be arbitrary, since “we are talking about human relationships.” “One could more or less define different stages in which couples evolve, but every generalization is dangerous because it depends on the type of people we are talking about, the circumstances and the facts of life,” he stated.
For its part, Victoria Cadarsoa graduate in Psychology from the Complutense University of Madrid and a psychotherapist in Client-Centered Therapy, Gestalt and Psychodynamics, characterized each of these stages as follows:
1. Falling in love or fusion (from the first month to 18 months, maximum 30 months)
This is a stage full of hope. They want to be together all the time; They feel united, in symbiosis and are ecstatic with each other. The couple has the feeling of mutual affection and reciprocity. Furthermore, desire and passion are especially experienced, with or without sexual activity, but with an intense fantasy.
They do not take differences into account, but rather look at and highlight what they have in common. They share everything, they do the things that one likes and then the other. They both understand each other and feel understood. At this stage, there is a fear of having arguments and of making the other person angry, so they avoid them. An argument seems like the end of the world because you have no experience of how it will be resolved. At this stage, instead of holding on, you have to learn to let go. Relationships that are successful learn to balance wanting to be close and not losing their own autonomy.
Learning from this stage: They have to learn to show themselves as they are, without fear of not being liked if they stop pleasing others. According to Professor Cindy Hazan, from Cornell University in New York: “Human beings are biologically programmed to feel passionate between 18 and 30 months.” Hazan interviewed and studied 5,000 people from 37 different cultures and discovered that falling in love has a “life span” long enough for the couple to meet, copulate and have children.
This confirms that the dopamine and norepinephrine circuits in the brain – the so-called “reward circuits”- are the same ones stimulated by drugs, for example, cocaine. And as occurs with the latter, the brain generates mechanisms of “tolerance” or habituation to overstimulated neurotransmitters, that is, increasingly greater amounts of stimulant are needed to produce the same effect.
Perhaps, if the stimulation always remained constant, this would result in mental brain damage for the person. Some of my clients thought they had fallen out of love when they lost the initial euphoria of the fusion or falling in love stage. Although they continued to feel affection for the couple, the fact that they did not “feel the butterflies in their stomach” made them doubt whether or not they were still in love.
2. Relationship and bonding (18 months to 3 years)
The members of the couple are affectionate with each other, but they also begin to show their autonomy. The couple differentiates the “I-you” from the “we” and begins to appear more manageable. The relationship is no longer so passionate, but more of a companion; It stops being so symbiotic and transcends the bedroom.
You can go from creating a loving bond to live together or set out to create a home. Having passed the passion means that those topics that had been repressed during the fusion stage (due to fear of discussion and conflict) begin to resurface.
Here the differences begin to be observed and it is time to use relational skills or learn them. The differences between male and female roles are signified and, if they coexist, who does what in the house. At this stage they reintegrate with friends and family, and this can cause more tensions.
Learning from this stage: learn to show and distinguish individuality and gender differences for better understanding.
3. Coexistence (2nd and 3rd year)
Sexual level drops, love is manifested with more companionship and the nest or home. The house is decorated, it is made comfortable. Here love is nourished by companionship and loving attachment. Problems can arise due to familiarity and routine (“where there is trust it is disgusting”) and this can create annoyance, irritation and anger.
The discussions are about domestic functions: roles in the house. Are produced arguments and misunderstandings because many things are assumed that are not true. In-laws also intervene, which can be reasons for discussion.
Learning from this stage: learn to dialogue and discuss. Arguing teaches the skill of reaching agreements.
4. Self-affirmation (from 3rd to 4th year)
It’s time to feel safe enough to do separate activities. If individual needs are not taken into account, it creates resentment and identity problems for the members of the couple. Up to this point the couple looked at the things they had in common; Now they are beginning to notice the differences, but they have to feel comfortable enough to be able to do independent activities.
The members of the couple They begin to balance their personal interests with those of the couple. This may come as a shock, because up to this point the duo’s interests predominated. Problems may arise due to evolutionary differences. If one partner has low self-esteem and relies on the other, establishing a separate or parallel identity can be scary. The insecure person may be afraid of the partner spending time alone. One partner may prevent the other from spending time alone for fear that the couple will break up. Power struggles arise.
Learning from this stage: you have to develop the capacity for commitment. If one of the members has low self-esteem, they should pay attention to their personal development, because their fear can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Many marriages break up in the fourth year, it seems to be a number that occurs in different cultures and countries, according to a study.
5. Collaboration (from 5th to 15th year)
If the couple has already joined together to do projects together, like children, and they have already begun to be independent, it can be a time of great friction. This may be because teenage children cause tension or because each person wants to have their own project and the couple resents it.
In other cases, it can be a moment of collaboration, in which the couple comes together to do common projects, such as talking about the children’s future until the children leave and establishing projects together. If it becomes a time when one partner supports the other to do something, the relationship has a resurgence again. Seriousness and a feeling of reliability replace the insecurity and fear of loss of the previous stages. Here there is a resurgence of enthusiasm.
As for new projects, if we take into account that parenthood is delayed today, these may include children or creating a company together. This brings new things to the relationship and prevents boredom. In collaboration it is proven that you can depend and trust. They have already developed the skills of coexistence, they know what the other thinks and can resolve differences.
The most common problem is taking things for granted. Problems may also arise due to the different capacity to evolve or develop as people, since they grow at different rates. If there is poor communication, one member of the couple gets too involved in the project and forgets about the other. You have to be very careful with the fine line between having independence and leading distant lives. This is possibly the hardest stage and that is why the average length of marriages is usually around eleven years.
Learning from this stage: if in the first part compatibility and common goals were the necessary ingredients, in the later stages the lack of possessiveness is essential.
6. Adaptation (from 15th to 25th year)
At this stage, couples must adapt to the external changes: children, “ailments”, family members in old age… This is the moment when the fantasies or illusions of what the couple could be like crumble and reality is seen head-on.
With maturity and awareness of how life goes by, there are some people who are afraid of missing the boat and, if it coincides with the midlife crisis or the next one (the menopause and andropause), it can be a time when the couple either breaks up or consolidates into new routines without children. It is an especially hard time and one in which we question our values and those of others. There may be a resurgence of new interests, we may look for ways to feel useful, productive, and we try to contribute things to society.
With fragments of the book “First aid kit for a broken heart. Tips to heal the wounds of love and transform suffering into self-knowledge“, by Victoria Cadarso, Editorial El Ateneo. Victoria has a degree in Psychology from the Complutense University of Madrid and a psychotherapist in Client-Centered Therapy, Gestalt and Psychodynamics.
