by Without a doubt, interpersonal relationships are essential for people’s well-being. These play a fundamental role in the mental and physical health of human beings, as long as they are aimed at healthy bonds of interdependence, autonomy and intimacy.
“Scientific research confirms that healthy relationships have a lot to do with physical, mental and emotional health. “We know that people who have healthy relationships live longer,” he says.
The expert reflects on the importance of adopting an emotional adult role and establishing horizontal relationships in any area of our life. A journey towards introspection full of self-knowledge, self-acceptance, self-compassion and self-care, something complex that requires will and commitment to give to others from a healthy place.
Mansukhani, who is a psychologist and sexologist specialized in the treatment of anxiety, depression, psychological trauma and couples therapy, spoke with EL TIEMPO during one of BBVA’s “We Learn Together” forums, about his knowledge in this area after more than 30 years field work, talks and courses on interpersonal relationships.
Why do we repeat patterns and fail to break them?
Because patterns generally have to do with our past history. My past history marks what I consider normal, if I grew up in a family in which shouting and disrespect were common, I will not detect it as something abnormal, my brain will understand that that is normal. But beyond this, even our own shortcomings are what make us get attached and generate relationships that are toxic. If I have a need to be loved, I create a relationship in which I somehow work hard to deserve to be loved. I will not be aware of this, but I will be feeling that the other person has not given enough and I will end up generating this pattern known as “pursuer – pursued.” There are many people who live like this and we have identified a whole series of patterns related to injuries that come from before.
If people heal these wounds, will there be a chance to break the pattern?
Exactly, if the person heals the wound they could break the pattern and can have healthy relationships or not, it is an option. But if the wound does not heal, it is very difficult for any relationship to end up being good because in the end we are going to transfer our lack to the other.
How to distinguish between emotional dependence and love?
Well, I have a book in which there is a decalogue of what a healthy couple is. But broadly speaking, if you feel that your partner is a person who contributes to you, who helps you to be better, if your partner is a person you would call when you have a problem, if your partner is a person whom you you would call when you want to share something positive, all of this indicates that the relationship is healthy. If the answer to many of these points is negative, it would indicate that the dynamic is toxic.
Can love be defined from psychology?
Yes, what happens is that there is not a single type of love, there are different types of love, at the couple level, on the one hand, there is passionate love, which is a very hormonal thing, which has a limited duration in time, that does not last more than two years and has to do with a complete biochemical alteration. This is a bad time to form a couple, because Ortega called it “transitory mental imbecility,” which is when someone falls in love and becomes an imbecile. Then there is another type of love that is as a partner and that is born from working together as a couple, growing as a couple. There is a contemporary sociologist who calls this “confluent love”, that’s why I say that the couple begins when falling in love ends, before there is no couple, before there are hormones.
What factors determine whether a relationship is successful or happy?
When a relationship makes you feel good, when you are better in that relationship than without that relationship, when that relationship brings out better things in you, when it supports you in bad times, when it serves as someone with whom you share the good times, These are all very healthy indicators of a relationship. In these cases, even if there are conflicts, they can be talked about and resolved, that is another great indicator of a healthy relationship.
Certain studies reveal that among young people there is less and less interest in having sexual relations. How important is sex in a relationship?
Yes, the couple incorporates an element of physical intimacy, which distinguishes it from friendship relationships, placing it on another level. So I can have a lot of emotional intimacy with a friend, but if I add physical sexual intimacy to that emotional intimacy, we are talking about another bond. In fact, most couples who do not have good sexuality usually have a feeling of lack and complain. “In the end we are like roommates,” they say and there is a feeling that that other moment is missing. On the contrary, there are couples who have a good sexual relationship. I’m talking about people who have been around for 20 years, but they enjoy bed well and it shows a lot because that opens up communication channels. In fact, if two coworkers sleep together, if you’re perceptive enough, you’ll notice. Something changes. So it is a level of intimacy that is important in couples.
Some people are happy being alone, so are relationships necessary for our lives?
No. But if it is necessary to have intimate relationships, they do not have to be couples. What is important to note is that a healthy adult must have close and intimate relationships, where he talks, where he tells things about himself, where he can express his intimacy.
Why is it important to regulate and co-regulate ourselves in relationships?
Because without regulation, we are in a state of constant imbalance, we are stressed all the time. So self-regulation is essential, because if I am unbalanced I am not well and I generate conflicts. Co-regulation is also important because it calms me, but it has a second element, and that is that it unites us a lot. If someone co-regulates me, he becomes a very close person to me, for the mere fact of co-regulating me. So, the links really strengthen from there, and that is also the great virtue of the link. When you manage to have a healthy partner, you have someone who does all this. He is someone who regulates you, whom you trust, and who in times of difficulty, really helps you feel much better.
Why did couples in the past have such long marriages? Is duration synonymous with well-being?
Because before, for couples it was not a requirement that love be maintained, you could fall in love to form a couple, but no one expected love to last. Staying together was an almost socio-familial obligation. Nowadays, I would say that for the better, that no longer exists, because there were many people who were trapped in very unhappy relationships. Now we have fallen into the opposite extreme: people expect there to always be infatuation in relationships and this is not going to happen. Today, people have to decide if they want to have a love or a long-term partner because falling in love is not going to last. Regarding this, in general, we have the feeling that society is becoming a little more avoidant, a little more distanced from what is scarier to open up to, and this is what we observe in subsequent generations.
As you grow, you also realize that it is more difficult to connect with someone. What to do about it?
People give up on having a partner because they don’t educate us to have healthy relationships. What do the movies tell you? It all has to do with finding the right person. If you find the right person, everything will go great, love will last, there will never be fights, everything will be resolved with love, there will be no desires for other people, that is, they tell us a big lie. And we are not really educated emotionally to generate long-term relationships. This despite the fact that there is a format that we know works, because despite everything, from time to time there are people who have been together for 25 years and are happy. We know what works, but you have to want to do it, of course.
In relationships, how do you know that the person you are with is the one?
This is the problem with damn American movies and romanticism, right? That everything consists of you finding the ideal person. Then this doubt arises. The ideal person does not exist. We are eight billion people, even if it exists, what is the probability that you will encounter it? What it’s all about is finding a reasonably compatible person and building with them. The thing is that a relationship is something that is built, not something that is given by innate compatibility. This is platonic love: “We were separated. You have to find your better half.” She is a huge lie. Not at all. You have to find someone with whom you are comfortable, with whom you feel good, with whom there is passion. And from there build. And the relationship is a construction, not an encounter, not a discovery.
Are there irreconcilable relationships or can they all be worked on?
No. There are relationships that reach a level of deterioration that makes the most sense for them to break up. When there is a certain level of toxicity, the work is enormous. When both people improve, there is nothing that unites them. The union itself was the toxic relationship. There are people united by the discussion, surprisingly, because it generates a pattern that we call “intermittent reinforcement.” They become like addicts. These couples, when they eliminate arguments, haven’t really built anything. In this sense, not all couples have to continue, far from it. And I won’t even tell you about couples where there is violence, etc. The goal is for the relationship to end, for each person to heal and subsequently seek healthy relationships.
A valuable lesson after helping so many people with their interpersonal relationships
Dedicate all the time you can to being your best self. That will result in relationships with others. In the end, one relates from what one is. There was a phrase from a Spanish bullfighter named Belmonte. He said: “he fights as he is.” I love that phrase. One relates as one is.
