by Childhood is a critical period in the life of any person, as it is in this stage where the first emotional and social experiences are formed that influence our future behavior.
The bonds we establish with our environment, especially with our parents, provide us with security and affection in childhood and leave an indelible mark on how we relate to others throughout our lives.
Attachment styles, defined in the first years of life, act as an emotional map that guides our interactions and choices in adulthood, including the choice of a partner and the dynamics in romantic relationships. That is, the decisions about who we share our lives with are not completely random; They have their origin in the emotional bonds that we have formed in childhood with our parents.
For this reason, Bienestar (El Comercio) spoke with two experts who will help explore the underlying dynamics to understand how first experiences can continue to play a crucial role in our love lives.
Types of attachment are possible to overcome with the help of a professional.
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How can childhood experiences influence partner choice in adulthood?
The childhood experiences They are fundamental in the formation of attachment patterns, especially in relationships with parents or caregivers, influencing our expectations and behaviors in adult relationships.
Madeli Santos, clinical psychologist and expert in conscious relationships and emotional management, explained that these attachment styles They develop from how our emotional and security needs were met.thus being a model of how we expect to be treated in our relationships.
“The type of experience in this early stage can shape our expectations and behaviors in relationships. For example, those that were positive, such as unconditional love and emotional support, definitely provide us with a secure foundation to trust and form. healthy attachments with others, which facilitates healthier loving relationships,” Santos said.
“On the other hand, negative experiences activate certain schemas, such as emotional deprivation, abandonment, mistrust and abuse, which can bring with them insecurities and defensive behaviors, thus affecting the ability to establish and maintain positive and healthy interactions,” he added.
For her part, Fanny Abanto Casavalente, a psychotherapist specialized in schema therapy, noted that traumatic experiences and poorly managed family dynamics, such as parental divorce or the absence of one of themcan have various effects on a person’s psychological and emotional development, and influence the quality of relationships in adulthood, including:
- Difficulties with emotional regulation: It affects a person’s ability to manage their emotions in a healthy way, which can lead to volatile behaviors, anxiety or depression, impacting stability and satisfaction in intimate relationships.
- Ineffective communication patterns: They can hinder the ability to communicate effectively and assertively, turning misunderstandings, conflicts and lack of intimacy into something daily and exhausting.
- Mental health problems: People who have experienced childhood abuse, neglect, or trauma are at increased risk of developing mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), mood disorders, self-destructive behaviors, and anger outbursts. that significantly influences the emotional stability of couple relationships.
- Intimate relationship problems: It could affect the ability to establish intimate and healthy relationships, generating difficulties in choosing a partner, communication and intimacy.
- Low self-esteem: It can influence a person’s perception of themselves and their ability to establish healthy and satisfying relationships, leading them to seek out partners who treat them badly or degrade them, perpetuating a cycle of abuse or dysfunctional relationships.
- Trust issues: Dysfunctional dynamics can generate insecurity and difficulties trusting others, affecting the way an individual relates to their partner.
- Distorted relationship models: The relationship patterns observed in the family environment can influence the perception and experience of intimate relationships. If these patterns are dysfunctional or negative, they may repeat themselves in subsequent relationships.
However, childhood experiences influence our relationships, but they do not condemn us to repeat negative patterns. Factors such as adulthood, personality, values and beliefs also affect how we relate, so childhood does not completely determine the future of our romantic relationships.
What role do attachment styles formed during childhood play in choosing a partner?
Attachment styles formed during childhood play a fundamental role in choosing a partner, since they influence the way we interact with others and the expectations we have about relationships. According to the psychotherapist, to better understand this impact, it is necessary to understand each of these styles:
- Secure attachment: It develops when caregivers adequately attend to children’s needs. This teaches them to trust others and feel worthy of love and care. In adulthood, securely attached people seek stable and satisfying relationships. These are characterized by mutual trust, open communication and the ability to manage conflicts constructively. This style favors lasting and balanced links between dependence and autonomy.
- Anxious/preoccupied attachment: It is formed when the emotional availability of parents is inconsistent. This makes children feel insecure about the love and attention they will receive. As adults, these people look for partners who give them a lot of attention and affection. They show excessive emotional dependence and difficulties trusting their partners, fearing separation or abandonment.
- Avoidant/dismissing attachment: It arises when parents are emotionally distant or do not respond adequately to the children’s needs. These infants learn to depend on themselves and suppress their emotional needs. As adults, they are uncomfortable with intimacy and emotional dependence. They opt for independent and non-committal relationships, with difficulties trusting their partners.
- Disorganized/insecure attachment: It results from an environment where parents are a source of fear or confusion, due to erratic or abusive behavior. These infants do not develop a coherent strategy to cope with relational stress. In adulthood, this translates into chaotic relationships, with unpredictable behavior patterns and difficulties regulating emotions. They often associate with people with the same attachment style.
Types of attachment are possible to overcome with the help of a professional.
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What signs may indicate that childhood experiences are negatively influencing partner choice and dynamics?
Madeli Santos identifies some alarm signals or “red flags” that may indicate the negative influence of childhood experiences on couple relationships:
- Repetitive patterns of dysfunctional relationships.
- Difficulties trusting or being intimate.
- Extreme dependency behaviors.
- Excessive worry about fear of abandonment.
- Recurrent conflicts.
- Difficulties establishing healthy boundaries.
- Communication problems.
Is it possible to change the relationship patterns that were formed during childhood?
It is common that People unconsciously seek out partners who reinforce attachment patterns developed in childhood., since these seem familiar to them, although not necessarily healthy. However, Fanny Abanto Casavalente affirms that it is possible to change these patterns and develop healthier forms of interaction, even if they are deeply rooted. To do this, it is essential:
- Identify attachment style: Through introspection and observation of behavioral patterns, often with the help of a mental health professional.
- Reflect on past relationships: Remembering how you felt and acted in them can reveal attachment patterns.
- Analyze current relationships: Reflect on the choice of partner, frequent difficulties and communication to identify attachment patterns.
- Investigate childhood and adolescence: Understand the origins of these patterns by investigating these life stages.
- Develop self-awareness: Recognize emotional needs and look for healthier ways to satisfy them, establishing limits to protect yourself from negative influences.
- Seek professional help: A psychologist or psychotherapist can help identify attachment style and visualize how it affects current relationships, using tools such as attachment therapy and schema therapy.
What exercises can be used to heal childhood wounds?
Healing childhood wounds is a delicate and personal process. However, Madeli Santos recommends some beneficial activities to improve the quality of romantic relationships and personal well-being:
- Practice full attention (mindfulness).
- Keep a journal to explore and process emotions.
- Carry out self-care and self-reflection activities.
- Participate in workshops, programs or support groups.
- Practice meditation as a couple.
- Go to couples therapy.
- Practice conscious communication exercises, such as active listening.
- Bet on individual psychotherapy.
MILENKA DUARTE
El Comercio (Peru) / GDA
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*This content was rewritten with the assistance of artificial intelligence, based on information from El Comercio, and was reviewed by a journalist and an editor.
