by In the context of a couple, it is necessary to have a series of commitments to guarantee their long-term survival. These act as pillars that support the structure of the relationship, providing stability, trust and emotional security for the people involved.
These commitments help to have clear expectations about all dynamics, which creates a framework that helps prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. They also strengthen mutual trust, provide a sense of emotional support and security, and foster cooperation and collaboration in the relationship.
Definitely, Commitments in a relationship are essential for personal and mutual growth. By committing to work together to build a shared life that is fulfilling and meaningful to both, couples can experience emotional and spiritual growth that enriches their connection and love.
But what, according to experts, are these fundamental pillars? To find out this answer, we have contacted Patricia Maguet, a couples therapist from Barcelona.
“A relationship is like a table that sits on four legs”, it states. “The first leg has to do with friendship, with the fact that you find in your partner that person whom you can count on unconditionally, who listens to you, who supports you, who is on your side… Think about what a relationship means to you. good friendship and see if it is part of your relationship or not.”
“Another leg has to do with affection and admiration,” continues the specialist. “If when you look at your partner you like what you see, how they are, you see what you can learn by having this person by your side and especially if you are clear that your life is better with them, this leg is in good health. The third leg has to do with desire, attraction and of course sex. This leg is what allows shared pleasure, mutual enjoyment, letting go and having a good time and holding hands with complicity and intimacy.”
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“But there is still one more leg,” reflects Patricia, “The fourth, which is the one that includes your future projects. A partner is a person with whom you look to the future, with whom you share some dream, some aspiration, some hope. If this leg does not exist, give it some thought because it is as necessary as the others.”
Regarding the commitments that are essential to maintain stability within the couple, Patricia explains that the main commitment that we must respect if we want our partner to remain stable and healthy, is to be able to include our partner’s needs in all our decisions. . “Does this mean you should give up your own needs?”, questions the expert. “Of course not. But you can’t make decisions forgetting what your partner needs. Having a partner means that you no longer go through the world alone and this is reflected in many different situations. “How often you use the word ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ will give you a good measure of your level of commitment to your relationship.”
Commitment, according to the therapist, also includes trust and availability to support you no matter what the circumstances. “The typical thing we see in wedding scenes in movies: in health and in illness, in wealth and in poverty… Commitment also means that you are going to prioritize your relationship over other areas of your life because you care about it and because you value it and at the same time you expect the person who shares your life with you to do the same. In addition, commitment also means taking care of the relationship, dedicating time, space and affection to it instead of taking it for granted and letting it end up suffocating.”
Establish and maintain healthy boundaries within the relationship
Patricia also points out the importance of boundaries in the relationship. Something that many couples are afraid to talk about, but that are actually very important. “They are like borders between countries, I mean it is very important to negotiate them,” she exemplifies. “So if you want boundaries to be and stay healthy, you will have to put them on the table and talk about them. And not just once, but every time you feel that they are becoming tense due to some situation that you are experiencing or due to some change in circumstances.”
One of the limits that must be negotiated no matter what, according to the expert, has to do with what you consider to be infidelity., because I can tell you from experience that it is one of the situations that can push you to the limit and break your relationship. “I recommend that it be talked about because not everyone has the same beliefs or places the limits in the same places. So it’s worth talking about it clearly rather than running into problems later. For one person, watching pornography may be infidelity and for the other it may not be, and the same can happen with other confusing situations such as chats or things like that.”
Another important limit has to do with What things you can share with other people and what things you can’t. For example, you may be very uncomfortable when your partner talks about your intimacy with his mother or friends and this is a limit that will also have to be agreed upon. Or that you have a conflict and other people find out. So also talk about where the limit of your intimacy is.
“There are also limits in terms of your personal and shared spaces,” explains Patricia, “in terms of your responsibilities, in terms of the way in which you resolve conflicts….Each couple sets their limits in different places so forget what the majority does and negotiate your limits so that they fit the two of you.”.
How to keep commitments
In the event that you currently find yourself in a couple that is struggling to fulfill the necessary commitments in your relationship, the doctor recommends that, beyond moments of great commitments such as a wedding, commitment is demonstrated day by day. every day in small acts. “For example, if you commit to doing something, do it. It doesn’t matter if you have promised to take out the trash or to let us know when you are late, if you have said you would do it, follow through,” she explains. “Also maintain your honesty, do not resort to half-truths or hide small things to avoid conflicts because little by little you will erode your partner’s trust. And also try to maintain open communication. If your partner needs to talk, even if you don’t like what you hear, make an effort to be there, to try to understand. Keeping that channel open also greatly reinforces the feeling of commitment and trust.”
If the conflict has already started, resolving it can be complex. “There is a very big enemy to the health of a relationship, which is thinking that what for me ‘is normal’ is what has to be done in our relationship,” says Patricia. “If I had counted the number of times I have been asked in therapy sessions: ‘But does this seem normal to you?’, you wouldn’t believe it. So the best way to deal with different needs regarding commitments and boundaries is to try to see things from your partner’s point of view. When you think that what he or she is asking of you is not important, or when he or she gets upset and you think it’s no big deal, you have to remember that your partner is a different person than you. That he has had a different family, that may have different values than yours, different customs… So, do not despise what he shares with you or what he asks of you and put all your effort into recognizing his needs and honoring them in the same way as yours. you expect your partner to do with you,” he concludes.
Juanjo is an expert in culture and lifestyle, with a special focus on the impact that the internet and social networks are having on our society and the world. For this reason, his themes also tend to have a lot to do with cinema, series, psychology, personal relationships and sexuality.
There is no viral trend or challenge on networks that he overlooks, although he is also very connected to current literary news, reviewing all the editorial news every week and selecting those that may be most interesting for his readers.
His great passion is interviews, he enjoys talking to people and connecting with them and has a natural curiosity to learn from the experiences and perspectives of others, whether it be a writer, a psychologist or anyone who has a story to tell.
Juanjo graduated in International Economics, although from very early in his career, due to a personal vocation, he dedicated himself to dissemination and journalism, which over the years became his profession.
Juanjo has been writing in different media for more than 15 years and was Editorial Director of Vice España, coordinating all the magazine’s content production, from capsules for social networks to documentaries about hidden urban subcultures in our country. After his time at Vice, he has dedicated himself to writing and his work has appeared in media such as El País, El Periódico de España, ABC or Yorokobu, among others.
