How to react when my ex’s partner takes care of my teenage children

The new couple can be a role model for the family, but they have to know well what their limits are.Getty.

Think about new couples For many, it usually carries a negative connotation because they are perceived as people who come to take over the role of the mother or father. As the experts say for Uppers, when faced with the arrival of a new person after the separation of a couple, it is advisable to work for the well-being of allmore if possible for that of the children. How each one proceeds can affect or benefit them, they can even become a reference person in parenting.

Diana Jiménez, expert in discipline with adolescents

“Dad has a girlfriend”

Some relationships end better than others. Parents influence much in the behavior of children who can imitate their actions and attitudes. In this way, if the ex tries to accept the new partner, for the child it will no longer represent a obstacle to overcome. Begoña, a 52-year-old midwife, discovered that her ex-husband had a partner when her 16-year-old teenage daughter told her that her father had invited a friend to eat. “That afternoon she told me for sure ‘dad has bride‘ for him feeling that he noticed between them. Although at first I was angry because her father had not told me that he was going to introduce my daughter to a woman, today I couldn’t be happier,” she says.

He adds that his ex took all the steps without having the opinion of both, but today he assures that they have no nothing to blame since her relationship with her ex-husband’s new partner is extraordinary. “Carolina is lovely. Everything went very slowly and paying attention to the needs of my girl She came into my daughter’s life. without invading nor try to occupy any place,” he comments.

The midwife highlights that her daughter sees her father’s partner as a friend who gives her Good advices. “Also, she tells me things when she sees something worrying because my daughter tells her that she is afraid to talk to me,” she adds.

Begoña considers that it is very important to be honest from the beginning and know well to the person who comes into a child’s life. “I want my daughter to be comfortable when she is with her father and with her, and if I talk dirty to her, I will condition her and give her a hard time. She is such a person attentive, respectful and considered that it is impossible to get angry with her,” he confirms.

Finally, she states that they do not consider themselves friends, but they do all get together as a family from time to time and it is something that they understand is natural and even necessary for the tranquillity of the children.

Bet on a new life

In 2022 had place 81,302 divorces, 3,210 separations and 39 nullities. The majority of divorces 32.4%, occurred after two decades of marriage or more. Also is true that more than 50% of couplesaccording to some studies, decide to give themselves a second opportunity; Others prefer to advance along distinct paths and begin new stages with other people.

Four key questions to find out if the relationship with your partner is on the right track They are according to the doctor John Gottman, psychologist and couples expert: “Can I be myself in this relationship?”; “Do I love this person enough to imagine them in the photo of my future?”; “Does it satisfy my sexual and emotional needs?” and “Do I satisfy yours?”

The day Miguel, 59, a taxi driver, found out that his daughter (13 years old) had learned to love mini golf, was when he found out that his ex had another partner and she hated going to minigolf. “My daughter called me happy because she had gone to play minigolf and have ice cream. ‘Mini golf with mother? She hates him. “My daughter said that she didn’t score a ball, but she had a lot of fun and that a friend had accompanied them,” she says.

This father did not need anything else to understand that this person represented someone important for his ex: “He went to minigolf with me when we first met, after a few years he confessed to me that he didn’t have fun and stopped going.”

His daughter speaks wonderfully to him about his new “friend” and tells him that he always manages to do activities that she especially likes. “He doesn’t have children and I think he is fascinated by mine, he goes out of his way to make her feel comfortable. That also says a lot about how he feels about his mother. I feel immensely don’t worry and grateful”, he clarifies.

Accompany the children in the process

When considering returning to your previous partner, guilt, low self-esteem or revenge are not very accurate references, therefore, when the relationship is no longer working, professionals recommend close pagelet pass a time and heal before making some decisions or thinking about starting something with someone else. Otherwise, one may tend to compare for better or worse.

Searching for and finding a new partner when having teenage children, says Lydia Parrilla Muñoz, psychologist and sexologist, can be a challenge. challengeand that is: “It involves not only finding someone compatible with you, but also someone who gets along well with kids.”

“If children see that their parents are happy, they also come to see the new person with better eyes even though there is usually some reluctance to take that step,” says the expert.

Each case is different, but Parrilla alludes to the listen and the presence as resources crucial for accompany the children in the process. Others are:

First, the children

There can be several situations regarding how new relationships begin, something that will determine if there is cordiality between all parties or not. Montse Cazcarra, health psychologist, argues that if she started with the new partner when the first bond was still active and the two relationships coexisted or that the ex-partner met the current partner when they were still together, they may occur jealousy leading to a probable rivalry.

“To feel that someone take your place you can live like one threatthat prevents having an open attitude and acceptance regarding that new person, and it can be transferred to the children, clearly marking that they are “my children”, not yours,” he comments.

The professional reminds parents that their children will continue processing feelings towards them regardless of how they get along with the new partner. “We must not think that they will love this new person to the detriment of the love they feel, but that, in reality, it can be an addition, another reference more,” he explains.

It is essential to know what place each one occupies. “It is not necessary to include the new partner in parenting issues which does not properly correspond to her, unless the parents agree and invite her,” he highlights.

For Cazcarra there is no recipe to always do everything well, he even believes that doing things well also means make a mistake and fix. “In healthy relationships, and healthy and secure bonds, there is margin for errorwhich is why it is important to make it more flexible,” he points out.

On the other hand, he maintains that we must not ignore the point at which the boys are: “If they are in the acceptance/adaptation that their parents are no longer going to be together, it is probably not the best time to introduce that new person into living together.” Finally, he understands that the welfare of children must always come first. In this sense, experts recommend the following guidelines: