How to leave your partner in an elegant and empathetic way

Do you want to leave your relationship but don’t know how to do it? Do you suffer for other people and that is even making you delay the decision? “Ending a relationship is usually one of the hardest moments in life. Whether they leave you, or if you are the one who has decided, it can have a high impact on the self-esteem and security of both of you.as,” says Ainoa Espejo (@aihopcoaching), personal and relationship coach and graphologist at Aihop Coaching & Graphology.

As this expert emphasizes, “A breakup is a delicate process that requires empathy, respect and emotional preparation”. To help us, this expert has developed a guide to handle this situation well, combining Non-Violent Communication techniques and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP). These are the steps and keys that will help you in the process.

Personal work prior to the conversation

Reflect, be sure of your decision and have mental clarity. As Ainoa Espejo emphasizes, before taking any step, it is essential that you take the time to think: “Have I done everything possible to save the relationship? Have we talked about our problems? Have I expressed my needs and expectations?” “Being sure of your decision will help you communicate well and avoid regrets”Add.

Other questions that Espejo recommends asking ourselves are: “Where is my partner at, how does he feel about our relationship? I think he wants to leave it too? Are you aware of my intentions? How do I think he’s going to react? Am I clear about all the reasons why it is better to separate?” Here are signs that your relationship is not working.

Taking all this into account, as Espejo says, may help you craft your message even more carefully and constructively. “Write down the key points you want to convey to maintain clarity and not get sidetracked if emotions overwhelm you during your meeting. Carry these notes on a piece of paper in your pocket; and if you need it, take a moment in the bathroom to breathe, Evaluate how the conversation is going and make sure you don’t forget anything important.”recommends the expert.

Has there been infidelity on your part?

If you have been unfaithful, Espejo recommends that you reflect first on whether it is better to confess it or not.taking into account two things:

• Your motivations. “Why do I want to confess? Is there a part of guilt that I unconsciously seek to alleviate? Is this information going to be of any use to my ‘almost-ex-partner’? How can it affect you emotionally? Is it going to help you in any way? Does this deception have anything to do with my decision to leave him?”
• The context and severity of the infidelity matters. An isolated slip-up can be handled differently than a sustained relationship.

Has the infidelity been yours? Can you fix your relationship if he has been unfaithful to you?

Prepare yourself emotionally and psychologically before ‘the conversation’

Ainoa Espejo recommends a small dynamics of NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) before having “the conversation”:

1. Find a quiet place, make yourself comfortable. Close your eyes, take three deep breaths through your nose, and exhale gently through your mouth. Imagine a wave that relaxes your entire body, starting at your feet and slowly rising to your head.
2. Imagine the place where you will have the conversation, visualize the details of the environment. Listen, smell, feel as if you were already there, notice the temperature, your body on the seat, the feel of the clothes, everything you see. Try to make it as vivid as possible (even if you’re not sure where you’ll meet).
3. Imagine that your partner is in front of you. Observe their facial expression and posture. Feel her, observe your sensations, the sound of her voice, how she is dressed, how she smells…
4. Now represent yourself in the conversation. Visualize yourself in your best version, that ‘you’ that is focused, calm, patient, confident, with high energy. Listen to your firm and loving voice, feel the vibration in your throat as you speak, and the movement of your hands accompanying your words. Observe how you handle the situation calmly and easily; speaking clearly, calmly and also listening to your partner carefully. Notice how you calmly manage any emotions that arise during your meeting.
5. Imagine that the conversation ends in a respectful and understanding way. Feel the liberation, the gratitude, the courage, the lightness of letting go of what is no longer for you.
6. Extra energy tip 1. Visualize a golden thread connecting your hearts. Feel how you transmit through this channel all your gratitude for the time spent together, as well as the peace and happiness that you wish him. Notice how when the conversation ends, the brightness of the thread decreases in intensity, although it does not disappear.
7. Extra energy tip 2. Visualize a ball of loving and warm light that surrounds you and protects you at all times. Feel that you are collected in that safe and impenetrable place.
8. Repeat this visualization as many times as you need, until you feel confident. This way you are helping to calm your nervous system and feel in control of the situation.

Meditation can help you in this stressful situation. How to start meditating.

Practice to do beforehand

In addition to the previous NLP dynamics, Ainoa Espejo recommends that we complement your preparation with the gestalt technique of the “empty chair”:

1. Sit down and put a chair in front of you, imagining that your partner is sitting there. You can place a photo of them to make it more real.
2. Now you are going to simulate the conversation. Record yourself on video or audio while saying out loud everything you plan to say.
3. When you’re done, take a deep breath and sit in the other chair. Imagine that you become your partner and listen to (or watch) the recording you just made. Try to empathize and receive the message as if you were him or her.
4. Ask yourself: “What do I think of what I just received? Would I like to be left like this? Would I understand the reasons why he wants to end the relationship, leaving me more or less calm? (although sad, that is inevitable). Would that way of rejecting me hurt my self-esteem, or would I feel cared for?
5. Reflect and make the necessary adjustments. Repeat this entire process until it feels right.

The moment of the conversation

At this point Ainoa Espejo recommends that we take care of the context, and choose the appropriate time and place. “It is very important that you find a time when you are both calm and can talk without interruptions for a long time, because the conversation will probably take longer.”says the coach. “Avoid places with a lot of noise or moments of high emotional tension. Maybe You could even warn him in advance, make him see that things are not going well and that you need to have a deep dialogue.. This way you prevent the news from falling like a bucket of cold water,” he adds.

Mirror recommends also use the NVC: “During the conversation, you can follow this scheme based on Non-Violent or Collaborative Communication”:

1. Start in an empathetic and friendly wayrecognizing the positive aspects of the relationship, your appreciation for the moments shared.
2. Openly communicate your feelings and needs, taking responsibility for them, using “I” instead of “you.” For example: “I feel frustrated because I need more freedom” (instead of “you overwhelm me”).
3. Explain your decision clearly and concisely, without blaming or criticizing the other. For example: “I have decided that I need time to work on my own happiness.”either “I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and I feel like we’re not in the same place emotionally. I think it’s best for both of us to go our separate ways.”.
4. End the conversation with respect and kindness. Make your decision and the steps to follow clear (for example: agree who, how and when will move or collect their personal belongings). Make sure he or she clearly understands your intention to separate. and make the necessary requests (zero contact, shared custody, etc.)
5. 5. Thank him for listening to you, and for the time you spent together. Wish him the best, from the bottom of your heart.

Extra tips to make the breakup easier

Ainoa Espejo gives us some extra tips to better manage this complicated moment:

• Give him space during the conversation to express his emotions and thoughts. Listen with empathy and without interrupting. Validate their feelings, acknowledge their pain and their perspective. Not only is this an act of respect, but it also facilitates a healthier closure for both of you.
• During your meeting, remain calm. Emotions can be intense, but it is important that you avoid arguments and maintain respect. If the situation becomes very tense, suggest continuing the conversation at another time. Here you have keys to discuss in a healthy way if necessary.
• Avoid damaging their ego or self-esteem. If you really want to have a happy and definitive ending, make both of you stay in peace, feeling that you have finished “fitting all the pieces of the puzzle together” (the brain becomes very restless when it feels that there is something to be solved).
• It is not a good idea to have one last sexual encounter. After a breakup conversation, emotions are often running high, so it can be difficult to think clearly and make decisions that truly reflect what you both want in the long term. Surely making out will only confuse you and deepen your wounds.
• Make it easy and be consistent. If you are going to make zero contact, it is better to delete or block him on social networks. Be careful what you post for a while, so as not to harm him. Try not to go to places where you know he or she will be, and of course don’t call or send messages, no matter how much you remember him or her.
• After the breakup, take time to take care of yourself. Be self-compassionate, recognize that your pain is valid and that it is normal to feel overwhelmed and vulnerable. You are also going through a grieving process. This includes accepting the decision you have made, dealing with the change in your daily routine, and finding a new emotional balance. So be patient and give yourself permission to cry, feel and process all your emotions; Don’t run away from them, no matter how uncomfortable they may be.
• Every relationship and breakup brings with it valuable lessons. Reflect on what you have learned from this experience and how you can apply those lessons in the future. This will help you grow and improve your next relationships.
• Control your feelings of guilt and responsibility, do not let yourself be manipulated by them. It’s normal to feel bad for having frustrated your now-ex’s future plans, but in the long run it’s better for both of you. It’s not healthy to be with someone out of pity, comfort, or fear (are you in a relationship that makes you suffer?). So honor your efforts in taking the brave step of quitting, and stand firm with your decision.
• Seek support from friends and family, it will be good for you to be “covered.” But remember that healing takes time and is an individual process, no one can do it for you.
• Although it may seem that those who leave the relationship have it easier, also faces deep pain and complicated emotions such as guilt, sadness, attachment, fear of loneliness, and doubts. If you are having trouble managing these feelings, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.

Can’t you handle the breakup alone? Receiving help from a professional or expert relationship coach, like Ainoa Espejo, can make the process much easier for you. Ainoa Espejo is an expert in self-esteem, self-knowledge, emotional management and relationships. aihopcoaching.com