«Forming a reconstituted family can strengthen the couple more than a common child»

Sometimes the only model there is is the one that you inaugurate (through trial and error) yourself. Opening the way was the challenge that he took on ten years ago Ane Arieta-Araunabeña —graduate in Economic Law and master in Mediation and Family Intervention—, and much of what she learned from her experience as a mother and stepmother in a blended family she has used since then, since she began to build that new home, to help others who face a challenge like the one that changed her life a few years ago. decade. It was “a big mess” that led her to bring out the best version of herself and to form a great family going through a reality that is not hers. Modern Family… But it has its moments of drama and situation comedy, the kind that reconciles you with life.

Two years after divorce the father of her daughtersthe founder of the Instagram account STEP-FAMILY (which has almost 17,000 followers) took on the business of forming with his partner a household of six with a 2+2: Ane and her partner have managed to create, together with her two daughters and his two daughters, an assembled, linked or reconstituted family. What are these families actually like, what challenges do they face in the legal field and in concrete day-to-day situations? In case there is any doubt, a reconstituted family is one in which one or both members of the couple have one or more children from previous unions. They are “exploring families”, who explore a path that is not paved by the experience of conventional families, and which is already contemplated by the bill that was approved by the Spanish Government in February.

—When is mediation or family intervention necessary?

—A judicial process takes time and makes it difficult to build ties. Mediation allows you to have a type of judge or arbitrator who will not dictate a ruling at any time, but rather makes it easier for the parties to reach agreements.

—What does the mediator do?

—It sees the needs that both parties have to reach an agreement and helps them reflect and listen to each other. It is a job of nuances and time, but not as much as that of a judicial process, in which you leave after at least two years. There are the economic and emotional costs of that judicial process; It is not only the wait, but also the uncertainty that is generated when it comes to relating.

—In mediation, isn’t it worth it if only one wants?

-Yeah. If one of the two does not want to reach an agreement, it does not work. Something that I am seeing for myself is that we talk a lot about “for the good of our children” and what that leads to is ending or keeping everything quiet and not exercising parenthood as we would like, or prolonging a battle. Mediation makes the two reach an agreement. win win. The good of children is, really, our own good as parents and there are people who do not see it. With mediation, negotiating from the beginning, we can play our role as soon as possible, not having our minds occupied with the fear and uncertainty generated by judicial processes.

—Is the linked family like any other? Are the tools for resolving common conflicts the same as those that work in a conventional family or are they different?

—The linked family is a de facto family, and it seems that soon it will be a de jure family. They have just approved a law that will come into force that will recognize, among others, reconstituted families. 80% of couples who divorce form new families. It seems surprising that there is so much ignorance. A lot has happened in a very short time. They are families, yes, but not like conventional ones. They have the conflicts that the best of families can have, but these are more complicated. In the reconstituted ones it is a little more of a challenge, and that requires us to learn habits and customs that we do not have. What knowledge does one have of the family they are going to create? Blended families do not have a culture of uses and customs of how it is usually done and we do not have guides, except for those people who, like me, go out trying to share the most up-to-date information that exists; which does not mean that it is contrasted with empirical studies and the experience of decades behind. We have knowledge of the law, knowledge of family intervention, etc., that helps. I have been divorced for twelve years and creating my new blended family for ten years. And this is, in the end, trying to apply to this experience everything we have learned in the process from a professional point of view.

—What has your training in Law given you in this sense?

—Knowing how things should be. As I have lived it later, and suffered it, I have seen it differently. Ten years ago I was desperately searching for information on the Internet. Emotions take us so far to the limit that we experience situations that sometimes I thought: “How strange that more events with this origin, a blended family, don’t appear on the news!” I searched and there was only desert. It has been in these last two years that I have begun to see that the law is making an impact. Helping, and living my experience, I saw how in the same type of blended family the feelings and needs that we have in the end are the same, even with people who are from other countries. You even hear the same phrases, like this one from the stepmothers: “I feel like a stranger in my own home.” I am a mother with a stepmother in front of me and a stepmother with a mother in front of me, and that has allowed me to see that, in the end, above all it is about understanding what each person feels to know why they react in one way or another. If I understand what the other person feels (a stepdaughter, for example), I can convey what I need, but I am going to do it differently, from that understanding. In this way, family life can be managed that is not so biased by pain and emotion.

—Are the feelings of children and stepchildren similar or not?

—Having your mother in your house is not the same as having your father. Not even the parallel story that may exist in each of them. A child who has a father present is not the same as another with a father who has abandoned him or who calls him once a year. What each person may feel about the figure of the stepfather or stepmother is not the same.

—But a stepfather is not to blame for the emptiness or wound caused by a parent…

—No, it’s not his fault. I have felt more judged, and making more effort, as a stepmother than as a mother. Being a stepmother is a very complicated role: bad if you do, bad if you don’t. As stepmothers, we are not responsible for what that child experiences [con su madre], but we must be aware of it. It’s a tiptoe walk. You must know your place, which is not your mother’s. The obligations between stepchildren and stepfathers are not clear, they are not yet regulated at a legal level. There are stepmothers and stepfathers who parent and there are others who do not. But, in any of their decisions, they will feel judged. Society judges these roles, and that generates fear in minors.

—Silence or not setting limits to be accepted as a stepmother in cohabitation, you say, is not the best…

—You are not his mother, but you are the adult of the house. There are things that are part of the system, there is no room for coexistence as if it were a student apartment.

—Sometimes we don’t divorce to protect the children. And there are experts who say: “Do it for them.”

—I am a great defender of thinking carefully before separating. I tell my friends: “Before you separate, come talk to me”…

—Because it is very hard, more than “a priori” we tend to think?

-It’s hard. I am more of a defender, if there is love, of not separating. If it is due to routine, burning, fights…, I defend trying to fight it. Permanent conflict in marriage is the conflict that ends up perpetuating itself in divorce, post-divorce, and co-parenting. Another thing is that in a couple there is no love or one of the two does not want to turn the situation around, or there are situations of inequality or mistreatment. It’s obvious there, of course.

«With stepchildren there is no room for coexistence like a student apartment»

—What do you learn, above all, from forming a blended family?

—The blended family is not the bad thing, the bad thing is what was there before! A blended family works as a mirror of the emotional management you have done. At the time of forming the blended family, children begin to experience a new grief of divorce. Suddenly, a person arrives to change the agreement that had been reached between the exes.

—Can you be happier than before the divorce by forming that new family?

-Clear. In short, what I would say to a separated friend who tells me: “I’m dating a guy who has two children,” is: “You better not stay with him, lest you like him and get into trouble.” ». It’s a hassle, but also an opportunity to become a better version of yourself as a mother or father. The blended family can bring out the best version of you. It’s not modern family, There are many challenges that you must manage. You have to learn to do it calmly. But forming a blended family can strengthen the couple more than a common child.

—The essential ingredients to form a blended family?

—There are two without whom it will be difficult for this family to be functional. It requires generosity and trust. Many times we talk about how we can help others… I would invite you to take your stepfamily as the opportunity to help children who come with their own stories. It is important to be open to generating those emotional bonds that, as an adult, are very demanding. Only through trust and generosity can we combat the messages that come from outside of insecurity and fear. At STEP-FAMILY I try to teach that it is possible, that we have conflicts, but they are managed. And another ingredient is information, because it always calms us down.

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