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Choosing a partner is not always as rational as we might expect. Our decisions are often influenced by intense emotions or a deep desire for connection, which can lead us to ignore warning signs or fundamental aspects of the other person that are not compatible with us. This occurs especially in the early moments of a relationship, when the allure of falling in love can cause us to idealize the other person, seeing only their positive qualities and ignoring their flaws or significant differences in lifestyles and values.
Additionally, social pressure to ‘settle down’ or not be alone can cloud our judgment, prompting us to commit to someone who isn’t really right for us. Family and friends often have expectations about when we should settle down and with whom, and these expectations can make us feel like we have to rush our choice, reducing the time and energy we should invest in really getting to know the other person.
Why do we repeat mistakes?
Repeating mistakes in our love choices is often due to unconscious patterns learned in childhood or past experiences. We tend to seek out the familiar, even when that means replicating problematic relationships we have seen or experienced before. For example, someone who grew up in a home where conflict was prevalent may unconsciously find a conflictual relationship more ‘normal’.
Without introspective work to understand these patterns, it is difficult to break the cycle and make healthier choices in the future. This may mean that, without realizing it, we choose partners who reflect negative aspects of our past or family relationshipsperpetuating a cycle of dissatisfaction and problems.
Introspection and self-observation are key to breaking these cycles. Identifying and understanding our own patterns and fears allows us to make more conscious and mature decisions in our romantic relationships, avoiding repeating mistakes that have led us to unsatisfactory or harmful relationships in the past.
Can we learn to choose better?
Fortunately, the ability to make better love choices can be developed. This learning involves knowing yourself better, understanding what we really need from a relationship and not just what we superficially want. Knowing our own needs, desires and limits is essential to not only choose better, but to establish healthier and longer-lasting relationships.
It also requires an honest evaluation of our expectations and reflection on how these influence our relationship decisions. Many times, our expectations are unrealistic or based more on social ideals than on what we personally want or need. Adjusting our expectations can help us avoid disappointment and focus on what is truly important in a relationship.
The learning process to choose better also includes developing communication and conflict resolution skills. These skills allow us not only select most compatible couples, but also better manage the differences and challenges that arise in any relationship. The ability to talk openly about our feelings and needs, as well as listen and respond appropriately to our partner’s, is essential to building a strong, long-lasting relationship.
Steps to know how to better choose a future partner
Our own insecurities can lead us to choose partners that do not suit us. The fear of loneliness or low self-esteem These are just a few examples of how psychological aspects can negatively influence the selection of a partner, pushing us toward relationships that are less than what we deserve or need.
Follow these steps to choose better:
1. Know your core values and make sure they are aligned with those of your future partner
It is essential that you share a base of similar values and life goals with your potential partner. This includes things like family plans, religious or spiritual beliefs, and career ambitions. Compatibility in these areas can prevent significant conflicts in the future.
2. Evaluate how they handle conflicts and difficulties, as this is indicative of what life as a couple will be like.
Observing how your potential partner deals with adverse situations will give you an idea of how he or she might handle the challenges that arise in a long-term relationship. Look for signs of emotional maturity, problem-solving ability, and the ability to handle stress and frustration.
3. Make sure there is a healthy balance of power and that you can both be independent within the relationship
A balanced relationship allows both partners to maintain their independence, respect their personal spaces, and support each other’s growth. This is key to a healthy and sustainable relationship.
4. Observe how he interacts with other people and in different social contexts
The way a person behaves towards others can reveal a lot about their character and values. Pay attention to how he treats waiters, his friends, and how he talks about other people in his life.
5. Actively listen and openly communicate your needs and expectations
Effective communication is the backbone of any healthy relationship. Being able to talk about your thoughts and feelings openly and listen to your partner carefully can prevent many problems and misunderstandings.
6. Don’t ignore warning signs or justify problematic behavior
Sometimes, out of the desire to make a relationship work, we can ignore warning signs or justify unacceptable attitudes or behaviors. Being honest with yourself and recognizing potential problems early on can save you from long-term problems.
7. Spend time building a solid friendship before delving into a romantic relationship.
Relationships that are based on a solid friendship tend to last longer. Meeting as friends first allows you to build a foundation of trust and mutual understanding before adding the romantic component.
8. Reflect on your past experiences and learn from them so as not to repeat the same mistakes
Analyzing your past relationships and understanding what went wrong and why can help you avoid repeating destructive patterns. Learn from your mistakes and carry those lessons into your future relationships to make wiser decisions.
Choosing a partner well does not guarantee the success of a relationship, but it does significantly improves the odds to establish a lasting and satisfactory bond. These eight steps are not infallible, but they are a guide that can help you make more conscious decisions aligned with what you really look for and need in a partner. Ultimately, conscious and thoughtful choice is our most powerful tool for building happier, healthier loving relationships.
* Ángel Rull, psychologist.
