by The secret to loving, happy, long-lasting relationships lies in communication. That being said, it seems like we haven’t revealed anything. However, this idea corresponds to an entire psychological theory developed by Gary Chapman an American pastor and marriage counselor, author of the best-selling book The five languages of love. In it, it links the personal and emotional needs of each person with the way of communicating with their partner. Find out if you speak the same language as your partner and if your love language is in tune or if, on the contrary, you should do something to improve.
The five love languages It was published in 1992 and was a complete success, providing answers that gave a lot of sense to the problem of couples after marriage. The first of them is why love wears out, if when we get married we are so in love. The second could be the Why do we always blame others? when problems appear and when the relationship fails. Both answers lie in the way we communicate, although expectations also come into play.
The fantasy of romantic love
We all look for love, and this is a question that starts from the biological and the social. In this sense, we need a minimum amount of love and affection in our lives to feel that it is worth living. This need already manifests itself in the newborn, for whom basic hygiene care is not enough, but needs the affection in the form of physical contact and interaction with the adult to survive.
As we grow, we continue to need the love of others which, depending on the moment in life, will sometimes be more a matter of social approval than romantic approval, as is the case in the case of children. But beyond the biological there is the cultural, something that also powerfully affects love. Above all, to what we expect from this.
We live in a society governed by the fantasy of romantic love, surely the most intense and pleasant. This love corresponds with a obsessive love, in the sense of being distorted. This obsession will lead us to want to be with the other person at every moment, almost always culminating in these encounters. pleasurable sex, which reinforces the idea that everything is wonderful in romance.
This fantasy of romantic love has been very evident since we can remember, since from an early age we all receive messages along these lines through music, movies or series. In addition to witnessing, of course, the exciting love lives of celebrities.
Seeing it in others will lead us to look for it ourselves when finding a partner, no longer settle until we find that authentic romanticism of the movies and that we legitimately deserve. What happens is that love, like relationships, becomes. Romantic love also changes and evolves, becoming a more companion type of love and, without a doubt, less exciting than at the beginning.
Needs and communication
Once the couples’ initial euphoria has been overcome, they must gradually overcome the obstacles of routine and the new demands that appear in the future of life: expenses, obligations, children… And there are many who will not be able to overcome them because they are not capable of maintaining love between them. Or, according to Chapman’s theory, because they stop speaking the same language of love, leading them to failure. In his own words, “People tend to criticize our spouse more in the same area where we have the deepest emotional need.”
The primary language of love
According to Gary Chapman’s theory, each person has a preferred way of receiving and expressing love, which we will call primary. This leads us to wonder what language each of us speaks, and the answer lies in our childhood.
As witnesses, typically We will learn to communicate in the language of our parents. This style will constitute our most common emotional expression, or our primary language in terms of love. However, understanding different languages can significantly improve interpersonal relationships.
Additionally, we can acquire another favorite way of communicating with our partner, although this will be secondary. The good news is that the language of love can be learned to interpret and even make the effort to change it in order to improve the relationship.
These are Chapman’s five love languages
words of affirmation
People who prefer this language value the verbal expressions of affection, compliments and words of appreciation and thanks. Phrases like: “I love you”«“You are amazing at what you do.” either “Thank you for making dinner” They are very meaningful to them. It is not about using praise to manipulate the couple, but about using words to ratify the worth of the other and to amplify the positive of the relationship.
Quality time
For those who have this language, spending time together is essential. But beyond sitting together on the couch, this form of love seeks full attention when sharing activities. This can be achieved, for example, by having meaningful conversations and spending time without letting anyone interrupt us. Gestures like holding hands or listening to the other person looking into their eyes It will generate the positive emotions necessary for those who speak this language primarily.
Receive gifts
This language focuses on the act of giving and receiving gifts, and is the most material of all. Although they do not necessarily have to be expensive, they must be meaningful and show that the person was thinking about the other.
In this sense, gifts are a visual symbol of thought. As a language, it is surely the easiest to please, since it is enough to pay attention to the things the other person has said they want, and give them to them.
Acts of service
People who speak this language value actions that make things easier for them, at all levels. Especially at the domestic level. Examples of acts of service can include tasks such as cooking, cleaning, taking care of children or any other activity that makes the other’s life easier. All these actions are an expression of love, since they imply effort and sacrifice on behalf of the couple.
Physical contact
The fifth love language includes physical affection such as hugs, kisses, and any other type of contact that expresses love and affection. Taking into account your partner’s physical needs will be very important to keep them happy in these cases. Although the sexual component is important, logically, physical affection is not subordinated to it, but can be manifested with simpler things such as holding hands or hugging the other person often.
The language of love can be learned
Each person is especially comfortable speaking their primary love language. According to this, we will connect much better with those who communicate the same as us. On the contrary, barriers will arise between people who speak a different language than ours. To make a comparison, if one speaks Spanish and the other speaks French, it will not be incompatible to be a couple, although it will be essential to understand the other’s language and be able to communicate. express yourself in it to reach a mutual understanding.
The important thing is to know that identifying and using love languages can have a significant impact on the way we understand and We improve our personal relationships. Especially those as a couple, although this theory also applies to our most important relationships, such as with children and in a broader family environment.
