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“I got tired,” says Teresa. She divorced her husband three years ago, at 67, after a union of more than four decades and three children together. “We had very different interests, we no longer got along even for basic day-to-day things. I am a very active person, I like to go out, walk, see my friends, see other places and with my ex I couldn’t do any of that because he is the complete opposite,” he says. Although he assures that turned out difficult to make the decision because of the years they had been together, because of the family and “because of what they will say”, realize that he has no regrets.
“I think that “The fact that we were retired and that our children were starting their families had a lot to do with this outcome.”, he adds. Teresa, who prefers to keep her last name confidential, considers that with the upbringing of her children her personal interests had been relegated and, after that stage, she once again felt the desire to do what she had left pending. . “I feel very energetic and I think I still have a lot of things to do,” she says.
Increased life expectancy allows people see on the horizon a long stage ahead after 60 or 70 years. This paradigm shift, experts maintain, influences older couples to make a decision that seemed unthinkable a while ago: despite having children, grandchildren and a life together, they feel that they have room to make a change and modify their routines.
For Sonia Abadi, medical psychoanalyst and researcher in human networks and bonds, the new era of human longevity affects everything, from health, work, socialization and, of course, the couple. “Different studies assure that more and more people reach the age of 100 and that, biologically, we are 10 years younger. Even more so when people take care of themselves physically, mentally, emotionally and socially,” he explains.
In this context, More and more, the question appears about the number of years ahead, about desires and desires. “This has an impact on marriages in which there are histories of chronic suffering or in couples who remained to support the upbringing of children, to maintain a social position or for economic convenience. So, at a certain age, we think about the future life, about the fact that it is possible to get out of a gray area and have another opportunity,” he says.
For Miguel Ángel Acanfora, a gerontologist, not all cases are the same and it is necessary to consider that if the decision is consensual, the separation will impact both functionally, emotionally and socially in a way. On the other hand, if the determination is unilateral, the person who is affected may suffer significant emotional consequences and may even have implications for their health.
The miniseries Midsummer Night, of Norwegian origin, puts the theme at the center of the scene: an elderly couple gathers their entire family to celebrate a traditional Swedish festival and decides that this is the time to announce that they are going to pull apart.
The couple’s dialogue is captivating. It is not common to hear the reasons that can lead a person to distance themselves after more than 30 years of marriage, with grown children and a life built as a pair. For this reason, the scene in which the protagonist proposes the separation is one of the strongest in the Netflix miniseries.
“I knew they weren’t going to last long,” says Lorena Farías about the relationship between her parents after both of them retired and the decision to go live together in the interior of the country. According to him, the marriage had been going on for about 38 years, “but one went one way and the other went the other way.” And he adds: “There comes a time when your children are older and I think that when they retired they clicked because they spent more time together and there was no more time.”
Lorena relates that, in her youth, her father – who is now 72 years old – and her mother – 67 years old – had bought a farm on the outskirts of Entre Ríos and said that they were going to move there when they retired. “The decision was more my mother’s because she is from there. When the time came, I told my dad that he was not going to make it there within a year and, indeed, three months later he was back in the Capital,” she reviews.
Finally, 5 years ago, Lorena’s parents decided to divorce, something that was written for their daughter. His mother stayed on the farm in Entre Ríos and his father put his life back together with another couple.
“Incredibly they still have contact with each other, I think they can’t let go. At first it was all on bad terms, but now they have a friendlier treatment”, Lorraine finishes.
Abadi considers that, when people are in a gray area in their marriage, without enthusiasm in the couple and crossed by routineother interests are lost, such as, for example, facing a personal project or a hobby.
“This is flattening life and many people don’t want that. I include them in a category that I call vintage millennials, vintage by age and millennials by vocation. They are restless, curious, innovative, enthusiastic people who, suddenly, find themselves trapped in a relationship in which much of what they had has been lost.“, says Abadi, and clarifies that this happens equally to both men and women. These are long-standing couples who got married in another culture, when the idea of marriage was for life, the expert points out.
In turn, the separation of a couple who has been married for 30 or 40 years It affects the family and common friends. “Children especially panic and are the ones who have the most prejudices because they think that the parents may choose another partner,” says the relationship specialist. “But while the children are scandalized, “I have several cases of grandchildren who suggest that their grandparents install Tinder on their cell phones.”it states. However, he maintains that many of those who divorce when they grow up want to be free and calm.without new ties, they want to develop their interests, see their friends, if possible travel or join different groups.
It is true that some find a partner again, but “with other codes,” defines Abadi. “First, there is no need to join families because there are no children involved, it is not mandatory to live together or they can do so and each have their own room,” says the expert. In any case, she considers that it is brave people who want to give themselves the opportunity to live better and, at the same time, they do not represent a burden on their family because they have their own life, they are active and independent.
“At 60, the reason for separation can be not have common projects because the children have already left them and they do not find similar interests. The loss of roles can also play a role. It must be taken into account that, at this stage of life, the man loses the role of breadwinner, and I am referring to the old-fashioned man because the woman today already has another role. In addition to losing the role of supplier, he also loses the role of entrepreneur, saying ‘we’re going on vacation here or there, we’re going to change this or that,’” says Acanfora.
For the gerontologist, currently, women are much more enterprising than men and “this may represent the first break in a relationship of many years.”
He tiredness of the other appears as another reason. “They question why they should be together. Before they were more tied to fulfilling precepts or mandates, but today it is lived in a more personal way. People are getting used to living more individually, partly influenced by new technologies. They come home and can socialize through Facebook or Instagram,” says the specialist.
For Abadi, In any case, it is a difficult decision to make. It must be taken into account that in older people a habit is broken and, of course, they need economic and emotional resources.
“The emotional thing weighs a lot. Sometimes, in a divorce, both parties win but, on other occasions, only one has the means to protect himself emotionally and grow. When the other person does not have emotional strength, they have a very bad time,” she adds.
However, he warns that this lasts a while. “In general, when the person who had a difficult divorce or separation begins to discover that not everything is loneliness but that they have independence, they begin to be able to enjoy and find their new path,” she concludes.
