by Martina and her ex-boyfriend had stagnated. They had been together for eight years and, already somewhat demoralized, she looked for a solution in injury time: couple sessions with a psychologist. “My partner and I wrote to at least three couples therapy and sexology centers and they had one waiting list of three or four months or they told us that there was no possibility of serving us. “We went to a slightly larger one and they did have availability there.”
“We had been talking about it for a while, I made the move for us to go, it was going to be a matter of solving sexual problems and in the end it led to a lot of other things coming up and in a month and a half the relationship ended.” That of Martina and her ‘ex’ is the story of many couples who currently go to centers of this type, “without any infidelity, to see if they continue or if they break up”, sources from the sector indicate to EL PERIÓDICO DE ESPAÑA. “They put a lot of pressure on the therapy, because most of the time they come as if it were the last cartridge. They get to tell the therapist whether they continue thanks to the therapy or not,” they explain.
Surely whoever reads this report has experienced a breakup in their environment. That of that friend who has divorced his wife -and mother of his children-, that of that friend who has broken up with the girl he had been dating for just over a year, that of the co-worker who has broken up with the boyfriend with whom she had just bought a house. Beyond the frequent spring or post-summer separations, For years now, a paradigm worthy of study has been presented: that of couples in crisis who attend psychotherapy and sesology clinics in large numbers.
Therapist Marta Ábalos, from the Madrid Sexuality Consent Center, assures that “There is an increase in demand from people who want to work as a partner“Since, as a result of the pandemic, “mental health has been given more visibility and many conflicts that were somewhat invisible in the couple, having to live together, were invincible, they could not be avoided.” The boom was recorded not just in confinement, but “when they started to let us out.” And this has continued until now.
Ábalos has colleagues in Granada, in Castilla-La Mancha, in Galicia, who are also sexologists and couples therapists, and “they are also full of quotes“. “The data tells us that, according to studies, six out of ten marriages end in divorce. The fact that there are divorce laws allows you to propose that you can leave or try to solve the problems that exist in your partner, while before it was not even conceivable,” she points out.
The “privilege” of choosing
“Now it is much easier to choose whether to stay as a couple or not. There is a cultural, social, economic and family issue, many factors. I have known many couples who do not separate due to an economic issue. Being able to choose is a privilege and what I see now is that couples can do it. They no longer have to be together because one party depends on the other on an economic level,” say the first sources, who have asked not to be identified.
The Sexuality Consent therapist considers that, in the current situation, “it is not that there are necessarily more problems within the couple, but that now we are much more aware of what we are looking for in a relationship and we do not have as internalized the myths of romantic love that were previously conceived as commands or obligations.” In previous generations, the steps that had to be followed in life were “very sequenced” and were not questioned, making it impossible. ” consciously decide” what each person wanted in their romantic relationships.
“It was not conceivable to rethink the relationship and double and triple lives were normalized, especially on the part of men, and women had to put up with it,” says Marta Ábalos. On the other hand, currently we have the possibility of accessing “other information and we choose whether or not to stay in a relationship.” This way, “more importance is given to sex, sexology, the couple“.
talk about sex
Older couples who come to therapy, who have already entered their fifties or sixties, “feel much more ashamed when talking about sex,” confirms Marta Ábalos. She perceives it in the expressions they use, based on “indirections”, or in their body language, which denotes “discomfort” that does not allow them to look into the eyes. “They use a lot of euphemisms, they try to settle the matter quickly. A ‘okay, good’ is usually something that needs to be explored further and delved deeper.”
On the contrary, generations Z or millennials have normalized dealing with these issues. “This has to do with the education that some generations and others have received, not only on a sexual level, but also in the couple, who have been educated that What happens in the couple has to stay at home“.
“There is much more resistance noted both in verbalization and in the part of therapeutic alliance: They are here because they notice that they are stuck, but at the same time it is difficult for them to understand that, just as when our back hurts we go to the physiotherapist, when we have relationship difficulties we go to therapy. There are many mental and emotional resistances. Then, they go little by little,” reflects this therapist.
Couples therapy success
The problems that arise are “cross-cutting” between the most mature and the youngest couples. The reasons why they come to the consultation are related to the “area of intimacy, which we talk about communication or distance, the part of passion and commitment”says Marta Ábalos. In the latter, generations over 50 “do not usually have as many conflicts, something that is due to social and cultural factors.”
The success of couples therapy does not lie in those people being together, but in whether they are well. “We have to change the paradigm.”
Younger couples propose “wider ranges of relational models, even when in a relationship, such as open or polyamorous relationships,” says this therapist. Going to therapy breaks stigmas: “We current generations are not weak, but we have a sensitivity and perception much more adjusted to reality. And that allows us to realize things.”
And it may or may not contribute to saving a relationship, but what it surely helps is in one’s perception of how to live the romance: “The success of couples therapy does not lie in those people being together, but in them being together.” well. We have to change the paradigm,” indicate the sector sources consulted. It serves, for example, to If there is some type of anxious attachment, “being able to let go in a healthy way.”
