by There are some warning signs that may suggest that a relationship is in crisis, according to several therapists.
Furthermore, one can point out “the 4 horsemen of the Apocalypse” that should be avoided, that is, those four patterns of negative communication that predict divorce or breakup, according to Dr. John Gottman, psychologist at the University of Washington (USA), founder of the Gottman Institute and who has scientifically analyzed 40,000 couples during 40 years: they are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and evasion.
On the contrary, this psychologist identifies calm, trust and commitment as the three fundamental pillars of a healthy and lasting relationship.
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, a certified psychologist who has received her clinical training at Harvard Medical School (USA), expresses herself along similar lines; she is the author of Let your ex go and dozens of articles in specialized magazines, and has given more than 75 presentations on the psychology of relationships.
“As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I have found that The happiest couples do not avoid conflict, but rather deal with it by talking to each other with appreciation and respect.. Unfortunately, I have seen many marriages end due to poor communication and an unwillingness to change,” she says in an article in CNBC.
“Every relationship has its difficult moments. But what really matters is the way you and your partner usually interact,” he clarifies. “So If you use any of these phrases with your partner, your relationship is more successful than most others.”says the specialist.
“I appreciate your effort”
Your partner may do things you don’t like, and it can be “tempting” to focus on the negative and criticize him, but the focus should be more on the positive, warns Cortney S. Warren.
“It is important to highlight the good in their actions. Happy couples express gratitude for each other’s efforts. It’s a great way to make everyone feel valued,” she shares.
This can be achieved with phrases like “I appreciate that you work so hard to support our family” or “I appreciate that you take the kids to school because it helps me get things done in the morning,” he exemplifies.
“When contempt begins to overwhelm your relationship, you tend to completely forget your partner’s positive qualities, at least while you’re upset. You can’t remember a single positive quality or act” about the other person, Gottman also warns. in his book Why marriages succeed or fail: “The antidote lies in foster affection and admiration”he proposes.
“I like you”
“The healthiest couples not only love each other, they like each other,” Warren recalls. “Loving someone is an intense feeling of affection; “Liking is about seeing them as they are and recognizing the attributes you enjoy about them.”difference.
Other similar phrases to express it can be those with which you express that you like your partner to be so passionate or involved in a habit, a hobby or an activity.
The words of affirmationthrough messages of support, encouragement and affection, are one of the five love languages included in the theory of the American author and marriage counselor Gay Chapman.
“Help me understand this better”
“We all have different upbringings, vulnerabilities, values and beliefs that shape how we think relationships should work. If your partner reacts to a situation in a way you don’t understand, telling them you want to get to know them/the best thing to do is key to resolving conflict and establishing links at a deeper level”explains Warren in the article CNBC.
What phrases can best express this? The specialist in marriages, breakups and love addiction gives two examples: “I don’t know why this bothers you so much. Please help me see your perspective” and “I want to solve this together and I need to understand you better to do so.”
“I hear you”
In a romantic relationship, you have to try overcome the desire to be right or to impose your point of view and prioritize “listening and empathizing.” with your partner’s perspective.
“Disagreements are inevitable, but it is important to continue supporting each other through active listening,” recommends the psychologist, through sentences like “I want to hear your side of things, even if we ultimately disagree.”
Matthew Fisher, psychologist and co-author of a study at Yale University (USA) on social interactions, points out that the correct way to debate on any topic and environment—not just between marriages or couples—and the one used by successful people It is not arguing to win the conversation, but rather “debating to learn” about an issue or a person.
“I’m sorry”.
“When things don’t go well or as planned, healthy couples know that they are both involved in the situation. Taking responsibility for our role in these conflicts (and sincerely apologizing) is essential to repair divisions,” says the Harvard-trained psychologist.
“I didn’t communicate my feelings to you in a respectful way, and I’m sorry” or “I didn’t like the way you acted last night, but I also need to apologize for lashing out at you” are two of the phrases you can use for this, according to the author.
“I forgive you; can you forgive me?”
“Forgiveness is difficult. It requires being vulnerable, letting go of something that caused you pain, and changing your feelings toward your partner,” but couples who practice it “are more likely to enjoy longer, more satisfying relationships”Warren notes, based on past studies.
A do-it-yourself phrase might be something like this: “I made a mistake and I’m trying to forgive myself. I hope you can forgive me too.”
“I am committed to you”
“Being in a relationship is a choice. Assuring your partner that you still choose to be with them and overcome challenges will help create a sense of security and stability,” says the expert, who gives the following examples:
- “Even when times are hard, I choose to be with you.”
- “I’m here and I want to make this work with you. We’re a team.”
“Let’s go out and get some air. Do you want to do something fun today?”
“The happiest couples are able to break the tension and recalibrate the mood by finding room for a genuine smile, a silly joke, or a light-hearted joke,” says Dr. Cortney Warren.
In a similar vein, talking about happy events from the past helps many couples in crisis or difficulties reconnect, according to psychologist Gottman’s findings.
“If you can find humor (or tease each other) in moments of tension, your relationship may be stronger than you think”complements Warren, who poses phrases like this or similar: “I know I’m difficult sometimes. Let’s take a break from the hard topics and watch a comedy” or do something fun.
“I love you”
A simple, brief phrase, known to everyone, perhaps obvious in appearance, “but It’s always worth remembering.”points out the psychologist.
“Verbally expressing your romantic love keeps the relationship alive. And when you say it, make sure you mean it,” she clarifies.
“Written and spoken displays of affection are the most important thing” for many people in a relationship, agrees couples psychotherapist Fariha Mahmud-Syed. Expressions like “I love you” and “thank you for making dinner” or a message on WhatsApp that says “have a good day today” help the other person feel understood and appreciated, he notes.
